Lucas Klauss

Things I have been up to lately:

• Chilling the eff out. At the end of April, I finally finished the first draft of my second novel. All in all, it took me about a year and a half to write it, and a big chunk of it was written just in the past few months. I feel really good about it but also nervous about the work that remains to be done, and I’ve been taking this month as a necessary break from the intensity of the writing process and as a way to get a different perspective on the thing as a whole. In the meantime, I have been playing actual COMPUTER GAMES, including, since yesterday, Diablo 3. Hell yesssssssssssss.
• Working on sketch comedy videos. The Bilderbergers haven’t come out with a video in a while for various reasons, mostly because the other two Bilderbergers were having a successful run at the UCB Theatre and I was writing a damn book. But now all of the sudden we have three videos IN THE PIPELINE. Now it’s just a matter of getting them out of that line of pipes we put them in for safekeeping!!!! Just kidding, it’s more about editing the footage and such.
• Preparing for my first-ever class visit and then doing it. Back in January, I met intrepid YA author Melissa Kantor at Teen Author Reading Night at the Jefferson Market Library. She was so kind as to invite me to speak to the 8th graders at St. Ann’s in Brooklyn Heights, where she is an English teacher. I was pretty damn nervous about the whole thing, but I honed in on a theme that interested me (the role of failure in writing and in life—but in a funny way!), came up with a half-hour presentation (I have never talked for that long at once in my whole life probably?!), and delivered it to two groups of eighth graders, one class right after the next. I think I was a little too nervous during the first one, but the kids still had awesome questions for me afterward, and then, with a nice tip from one of the librarians, I quickly rejiggered the whole thing and delivered what I think was a pretty good presentation in the second session. And again I got really awesome questions from the students. That was really my favorite part and I’d like to figure out a way to have it be my job to stand at a podium and answer questions posed by eighth graders.
• Not writing a ton of things on this blog. This bugs me but I just haven’t had the time at all lately. My plan is to do this more soon.
• Watching a ton of Breaking Bad. Jeez, this show!
• Going on vacation. See ya, suckers! But then I’ll be back in, like, a few days. Don’t worry, that’s just how vacation works.

To: Romney 2012 LGBT National Outreach Team

From: Jeff Naybor, Romney 2012 LGBT Outreach Director

Subject: Some changes

Hey, gang!

Just wanted to touch base with the two of you. Please be assured that, despite the media’s distortions and contortions, Mr. Grenell’s recent resignation as foreign policy spokesman was his personal choice and does *not* indicate any distancing from, “muzzling” of, or general anxiety about LGBT staff on the behalf of Gov. Romney or the campaign in general. We are still GO, GO, GO for next week’s unveiling of the Romney 2012 LGBT Outreach program!!!

That said, there are a few small changes—decided on *before* this Grenell stuff!—that I need to share with you:

1. Name

We’re getting a new official name! After discussing the matter with some of the head honchos, they agreed with me (definitely not the other way around!) that “LGBT National Outreach Team” was just too clunky.

So, guess what? Now we’re the “National Outreach Team”! It has a nice ring to it and way fewer letters. What do you think? Well, I think it helps us refocus on our goal: outreach. To anybody. Who lives in the United States. With no particular focus other than that because we believe that all people are equal, just like Mitt Romney does.

Also, since campaign HQ has to alter our official logo, they’re not going to be able to roll out our page on the Romney 2012 Web site for another month or two (or three or more). But once it’s back up it’ll be better than ever.

2. Uniform

I convinced them to buy us new uniforms too! For the guys (me and Chase), it’ll be solid-color button-up shirts (blue or white; no “electric” blue), slacks with pleats, no hair products, and plain white Hanes briefs. For the gals (Melissa), it’ll be shoulder-length hair and a pretty dress. And once we get them in, we’ll all proudly wear our Romney 2012 National Outreach Team pins (shaped like a man and a woman holding hands, which symbolizes unity). 

3. Salary and Benefits

I know that neither of you were drawing a salary before, nor were you receiving benefits like coffee or health insurance. But, for everyone’s clarification, I just wanted to make sure that was written into the campaign handbook, so we went ahead and took a vote and did that. As long as you’re on the National Outreach Team, I’m afraid you won’t qualify for coffee, health insurance, or money. We just don’t have the budget right now! But if you ever make a move to one of the mainstream teams, which I’m not encouraging you to do, you will be eligible for all of those things, plus donuts.

4. Personal Life

You guys know that I’m totally straight, right? Not that it matters! But if I weren’t, it wouldn’t matter either! In fact, it wouldn’t matter so much that I wouldn’t even mention it to anyone, ever. And I would delete all allusions to it on my Facebook, Twitter, Grindr, etc.

(This isn’t a “change,” just a useful clarification!)

5. Conversion Camp

The head honchos wanted me to let you know this: if you ever feel like you’ve had enough of the National Outreach Team lifestyle, you can always come to one of them, and they’ll send you, all expenses paid, to a Team Conversion Camp. From what I understand, it’s a remote but beautiful location in the Midwest where an expert staff will teach you how to suppress your National Outreach tendencies in order to “convert” to a more traditional Romney campaign team (e.g. Foreign Policy, Faith Outreach, Immigrant Kicking).

Again, I am not encouraging you to do this. I think both of you are perfect just how you are. Not only is the National Outreach Team nothing to be ashamed of, it’s something to be proud of, in a quiet way!

We don’t have an easy road, that’s for sure. But in the end, when Mitt Romney is elected president and he finally sends all gay people to Guam to live there forever, it’ll be worth it.

Give My Book Away by the Red Hot Chili Lucas Klausses

Over on my Twitter.com, I’m doing a giveaway, y’all [UPDATE: I gave it away]. If you enter and win, I will send you a signed copy of the first printing of APOCALYPSE, which has now entered a second printing. Here is the jingle I wrote for this giveaway, set to a tune similar to but not exactly “Give It Away” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers:

Give my book away

Give my book away

Give my book away now

Give my book away

Give my book away

Give my book away now

Give my book away

Give my book away

Give my book away now

Wap-bap-top-bop-give-my-book-away-yeah

(Eighteen-minute-long bass solo)

I hope soon to return to writing silly jokes here. In the meantime, I can tell you that the humor collection in which I will have some silly political joke pieces has a name now: The McSweeney’s Book of Politics and Musicals. Mine are more on the Politics side, but you can sing them if you want—it wouldn’t qualify as a gaffe! Or a filibuster! Or an Obamacare!

Such silly jokes. 

Just a reminder, y’all: The NYC Teen Author Festival is going on right now! All this week! And I’m gonna be in it! On Friday! Twice! And also on Sunday! Just once! Details and fewer exclamation points below!

Friday, March 30

New Voices Spotlight, 4:40 - 5:30 p.m. At the 42nd Street Main Branch of the New York Public Library (Bergen Room). I and four other debut authors (Emily Danforth, Kate Ellison, Carley Moore, and fellow Southerner Alecia Whitaker) will read from our books and have a Q&A with the audience. Very happy to be on this panel.

Reader’s Theater, 7 - 8:30 p.m. On the big stage at the Union Square Barnes & Noble! I and a total murderer’s row of YA authors (David Levithan, Siobhan Vivian, John Corey Whaley, Emily Danforth, Stephanie Perkins, and Andrea Cremer) will dramatize excerpts from our novels. I am especially psyched for this one.

Sunday, May 1

YA Author Mega-Signing, 1:45 - 2:30 p.m. At Books of Wonder. From 1 to 4, there will be an absolute truckload (yes, we will be trucked in) of YA authors signing your copy of their books and chatting with you. It will be fun.

And if you like teen authors but don’t especially care for me, there are plenty of other events you can go to! Check the link, ya jerk!

The rewards of authorship are sometimes unexpected. Case in point, this magnificent artwork commissioned by my good friend, Katie, and her husband, Nate, and created by Nate’s brother, Andrew—all in honor of Apocalypse. There are a few clever in-jokes here that some of you might not get; the harmonica on the rug, for instance, is a reference to my brief detainment on the isle of Capri for unlawful panhandling during a high school Latin club trip to Italy. But I think we can all agree he did a great job capturing my fanciness, my sweater enthusiasm, and my enormous head, yes?