Lucas Klauss

Audition resources for shitty actors

Shakespearean Monologues for Shitty Actors

The Ultimate Scene and Monologue Sourcebook, Shitty Actor Edition

Off-Broadway’s Best Monologues for Shitty Actors

50 Great Monologues for One Shitty Actor

Her Moment: Marvelous Monologues for Shitty Women Actors

A Minute to Embarrass Yourself: 60-Second Monologues for Shitty Actors

Young and Awful: 100 Monologues for Shitty Teen Actors

Something They Haven’t Heard a Million Times: Great, Rare Monologues Wasted on a Shitty Actor Like You

The Shitty Actors Guild Presents: Screaming in Their Faces

Off-Off-Broadway’s Best Monologues for Shitty Actors

Judges’ responses at the Scripps Howard Galactic Spelling Bee

“The origin is Bleerghk.”

“Fyip-nee is a preposition, a noun, and a quorp.”

“Alternate pronunciations include saying fmyrp while creating a space-time disruption that makes it sound more like fmyrrRRRrrrp.”

“Yes, we can use xrxl-krxl in a sentence: ‘When my sister and I xrxl-krxl’ed the vase while our parents were gone, we were forced to engage each other in a battle to the death, after which the victor, I, was to consume the loser’s scalp flesh, as per Xorxl’s Law of 22-839.’”

“I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. The correct spelling is Q-doublezee-I-M-M-twenty-five apostrophes-and an exhalation of shoulder-steam or in your case an exhalation from your provided shoulder-steam cannon. Thank you.” 

“The origin is human and, later, H’n’n’n’n’n.”

How to be a Klauss man

Because one day I may have a son. And by God he will be a Klauss man.

A Klauss man doesn’t stand for injustice. He runs away from it.

A Klauss man never boasts. He uses false modesty to extract praise.

A Klauss man never uses sexist language. He is too frightened of women to do so.

A Klauss man is true to his word. Unless he agreed to something annoying and he can squirrel out of it.

A Klauss man donates to charitable causes. But he would never think of volunteering for one.

A Klauss man holds the door for anyone who reaches it at the same time he does. This is an easy way to prove his moral superiority.

A Klauss man especially holds the door for a black person. This is an unmissable opportunity to prove he’s not racist.

A Klauss man looks another man directly in the area to the right or left of his eyes.

A Klauss man exhibits grace under fire. No, I’m sorry, a Klauss man enjoys watching the 90s Brett Butler sitcom Grace Under Fire. In a real-life emergency, a Klauss man is useless and probably dead.

A Klauss man holds well-informed opinions on current events. He gets these opinions from the Internet.

A Klauss man refrains from making categorical statements. Except to immediately undermine them. 

Inaccurate redneck jokes

If you just had solar panels installed on your roof to power the wastewater recycling system in your house that’s made of repurposed tire rubber and aluminum cans  … you might be a redneck.

If you’re a well-educated, middle-class African-American female who’s finding that racism in today’s workplace is more about what people don’t say than what they do say … you might be a redneck.

If you come from a Massachusetts family where money is a given and emotions are to be held in check, and you went on to graduate from Harvard and move slowly through the ranks at a formerly august publishing house only to grow ever more weary of the wide-eyed triteness passing as literary fiction these days and so you quit and now you’re an organic farmer but you’re still pretty lonely and depressed … you might be a redneck.

If you’re from Trinidad or Tobago … you might be a redneck.

If you’re an alien from the planet Zzrrllzz’a and you came to Earth to destroy it, only to find that once you interacted with certain members of the human race, especially a female named Kora who for some reason you find sexually attractive even though, genetically, you shouldn’t, you discovered that even though they can be horrifyingly violent toward one another and destructive of their home planet, they also have an aptitude for inspiring works of art and kindness, and now you’re actively working with the humans to beat back your own species and protect the Earth from obliteration … you might be a redneck.

If you have a working television that sits on top of a broken television that sits in your giant garage full of Porsches … you might be a redneck.

If you’re a blogger who thinks that redneck jokes are worth riffing on, at least fifteen to twenty years after the height of their popularity … you might be a redneck.

If you took a green Sharpie and drew all over the back of your neck … you might be a redneck.

If you aren’t a redneck … you might be a redneck. 

Facts about Millennials

According to most definitions, “Millennials” is the generally accepted term for the 80-million strong generation that was born between 1982-2000. They are also known as “Generation Y,” “The Me Generation,” and “The Least Great Generation,” because no one can be great while also wearing a hoodie. In this report, we find that Millennials are generally ill-equipped for adult life, college life, or even basic human life. Therefore we humbly suggest that their parents’ generation be renamed “The Worst Generation.” — The Institute for Generational Studies, Report on Millennials, 2011

From the report, some additional facts about Millennials:

• 27 percent of Millennials still breastfeed.

• One in six Millennials takes a bubble bath twice a day.

• A majority of Millennials receive the entirety of their news from their imagination.

• Millennials in the workplace typically require an Office Mom to prepare lunches, provide back rubs and ibuprofen, and insist that Millennial employees are overworked and undercompensated, no matter that they are interns.

• If all Millennials were to acquire their desired occupation as adults, a quarter of the nation’s workforce would be ninjas.

• More Millennials identify as Democrats than identify as Republicans, but the vast majority can only name “gay marriage” as a specific reason before launching into an ill-informed monologue on any number of unrelated, vaguely political topics. 

• 34 percent of Millennials do not know how to properly wipe themselves.

• 7 out of 10 Millennials believe that “magic is real if you believe hard enough,” a notion so lacking in common sense it made 9 out of 10 elderly Americans measurably angrier. 

• When calling their parents, as they do at least a dozen times each day, at least half of all Millennials use a special “baby language” they invented with their parents and no one else knows how to speak. There is no specific term for this, as each Millennial has his or her own infantile word for it, but examples include, “bwabee,” “tooch-tooch,” and “e-mamay e-ma[untranscribable].”

• Most Millennials’ childhood cultural touchstones are Pokemon and sexting, which, researchers agree, is completely sad.

• 9 in 10 Millennials agrees with the statement, “We are the future,” despite the fact that the ascendance of their generation will likely prompt the Apocalypse, thus ending time as it is commonly defined.

• Additionally, all Millennials have dated an Asian at some point.

(Note: The author of this post is, technically, a Millennial. Born in 1982, he is 73 years old.)

Popular attractions at Ripley’s Believe It!

THE BEARDED MAN!

COL. BOCK-BOCK, THE ILLITERATE CHICKEN!

WORLD’S CLEANEST KIA SORENTO!

CRAIG, THE HUMAN CANADIAN!

A 1966 NICKEL!

THE WORLD’S TALLEST MAN!(’S PEN)

ANNE, THE FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD WHO CAN SOLVE A RUBIK’S CUBE WITH A LITTLE HELP!

JAKE, THE SPARSELY TATTOOED MAN!

A POSTER OF THE BAND HANSON SIGNED BY TWO OF THE HANSON BROTHERS!

TORVALD, THE GUY WHO REFUSES TO SHOVE SWORDS DOWN HIS THROAT!

THE CREEPY ASSISTANT MANAGER!

THE 53-YEAR-OLD WOMAN!