Lucas Klauss

Songs Brendan ruined

“What I Like About Brendan” by The Romantics

“With or Without Brendan” by U2

“All You Need is Brendan” by The Beatles

“Someone Like Brendan” by Adele

“Single Ladies (Put a Brendan On It)” by Beyonce

“Brendan Jean” by Michael Jackson

“Total Eclipse of the Brendan” by Bonnie Tyler

“Like a Bat out of Brendan” by Meatloaf

“Hey Brendan!” by OutKast

“Brendan Bless the USA” by Lee Greenwood

Symphony No. 9 in Brendan Minor by Ludwig van Beethoven

“Georgia on My Brendan” by Ray Charles

“Brendan Caroline” by Neil Diamond

“Brendan tha Police” by NWA

“Where Everybody Knows Your Name (Brendans Theme Song)” by Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo

“I’ll Make Brendan to Brendan” by Boyz II Men

“Brendan and the Brendans” by Elton John

“867-530Brendan/Jenny” by Tommy Tutone

“Brendan” by Dolly Parton

“Brendan” by Notorious B.I.G.

“Brendan” by Frank Sinatra

“Lucas with the Lid Off” by Brendan

“Fast Car” by Tracy Chapman, this one time he sang along with it on the radio

The Sasquatch’s social circle

The Basquatch (good friend)

The Jasquatch (pretty good friend)

The Trasquatch (mentor, hunting buddy)

The Masquatch (beloved wife)

The Kelsquatch Sasquatch-Masquatch (cherished daughter)

Devin the Fox (fox)

The Prasquatch (jackass brother)

The Kalkasquatch (emotionally distant sister)

The Yarsquatch (boisterous, drunkard father)

The Ostersquatch (deceased, uncaring mother)

The Jeptersquatch (badass cousin)

Carlyle the Goose (goose)

The Yeppisquatch (captain in the Army of Squatch, anti-human attack force)

The Falfalfasquatch (explosives expert)

Kyle the Human (human, sympathizer)

Janie the Human (human, sympathizer)

Beck (musician, sympathizer)

The Godsquatch (deity and deliverer of Squatchkind, who has chosen the Sasquatch to lead his fellow Squatches to victory)

Murphy the Friendly Beaver (friendly beaver)

The most nonexistent states in the United States of America

Joshifornia

Washongton

West West Wesssst Virginia

New Gas Station

The Freshest Territories

Underneath Delaware

The State Where Puppies Run a State

Joshylvania

Puerto Rico

Fake Canada

Internet Oklahoma

The State Where Everything’s Only 99¢

A Hopeless Place

Richard Scarry’s Supposed Birthstate 

Hair-o-land

The State ONLY for Barbaras and Barbs NO EXCEPTIONS

Australia

Naked Motherf*$kin’ Texas

Josh Hawaii

Maine

Tips for what to do with your last week of earth being an extant thing

Guys, if you’re reading this, chances are you’re one of the few people in the world who actually seems to give a crap that the world’s only ONE WEEK AWAY from blowing up. I don’t know what the problem is. I tried to warn everybody! But, as of this writing, only about 650 people have seen that video. What about the other 6,999,999,350 people?!?!

Not that I’m ungrateful. I am super-grateful for each and every one of those 650 (and climbing!) viewers of my very important warning of the imminent earthxplosion that very sadly coincides with THE RELEASE DATE OF MY DEBUT YOUNG ADULT NOVEL.

And to prove that I care, here are a few tips for you, one of the few earthxplosion savvy, to help you make the most of your last week:

1. See Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. What a fun movie. Turns out the protocol is not actually a ghost, which was kinda disappointing (this is not a spoiler; you find this out really early on). But otherwise this movie is very good and could be a useful distraction
2. Let God know that you don’t want to go to hell. Maybe you’re thinking, “Well, I don’t believe in God and even if He does exist surely he knows I don’t want to go to hell.” Well, maybe not! Ever think of that? Don’t waste your last week being a cocky jerk.
3. Fly a kite. I mean, really. Have you ever done this? Probably not, right? Well, it’s way fun and relaxing! Get out there while there’s still an atmosphere, you cocky jerk! (Sorry if you’re not a cocky jerk. It’s hard to tell from here.)
4. Apologize for stuff. Even if you’re not a cocky jerk, you’ve probably done some bad stuff and hurt some people’s feelings, y’know? They’ll appreciate it if you say you’re sorry or explain you were “in a bad place.” You can even just do it in an email or text. If they don’t like that, send them the link to my video. If they don’t like that, they’re a cocky jerk.
5. Listen to M83’s album Hurry Up We’re Dreaming. This music will make you feel gigantic and tiny and remind you that you were once a beautiful child who had no self-doubt or even awareness of doubt. It will temporarily make you believe everything just a little bit harder. Like that when you die your essence will live on in some happy, semi-conscious form, not unlike childhood. You’re gonna need that.
6. Pre-order my debut novel from your local indie bookstore. A lot of indie bookstores are having a tough time right now. And now they hear they’re all going to blow up?! You can bet they’re bummed about that. So cheer them up a little by ordering one or fifty-three copies of my book through them.
7. Pre-order my debut novel from Barnes & Noble or Amazon. These companies are made of people too.
8. Wait until one of my book release celebrations to buy my debut novel from BookCourt in Brooklyn or Little Shop of Stories in Decatur, GA. I know this one is a little counterintuitive since both of these events are scheduled for after January 3, 2012. But if you’re thinking about buying my book and would think about going to one of these events if the world still existed then (which it totally won’t), then think about waiting until the event to purchase the book. Just think about it, okay? :-)
9. Stay sweet, chica. I’m not sure what I mean by this one.  

And that’s all you need to know! Stay sweet, chicas! See you in outer space!

Habitat for Asshats

Save the Fat Dolphins

Tools for Tools

The Boys and Girls and Fartfaces Club

Global Fund for Douchey, Douchey Women

Christian Foundation for Racist Old Troglodyte Bastards

National Association for the Advancement of Colored Pissants (technically, an insult NPO)

Save the Butt-Ugly Whales

VH1 Save the Shitty Music Foundation

The Anti-Semitic Defamation League

Protect Our Forests, You Scumsucking Son of a Bitch, You Nothing, You Nobody, You Smell Like Wet Dog and So Does Your Mom

Michael J. Fox Foundation for Fuck You

The Damnation Army

Save the Poser-Ass Manatees

How to be a Klauss man

Because one day I may have a son. And by God he will be a Klauss man.

A Klauss man always tips twenty percent. It’s easier to calculate than fifteen percent.

A Klauss man has a firm, confident handshake. And he has a full, easily accessible hand sanitizer.

A Klauss man treats people of all races, ages, education levels, social standings, religious affiliations, and sexual orientations with equal fear and discomfort. 

A Klauss man does not envy. He covets. There’s a difference; learn it.

A Klauss man occasionally uses a semicolon. Just to show he can.

A Klauss man can spot a scam from a mile afterward.

A Klauss man regards saying “God bless you” after someone else sneezes as a silly anachronism. But he is miffed when no one says it to him.

A Klauss man sneezes tremendously, coughs politely, and spits like a girl. 

A Klauss man is proud of his heritage. He just doesn’t mention the Nazi stuff.

A Klauss man is always a gas at parties. He’s the one farting quietly in a corner.

A Klauss man knows how to “perform” the Heimlich maneuver. Even if it doesn’t work, it looks a lot like the real thing. 

A Klauss man lives every day like it’s somebody else’s last.

A Klauss man has no regrets. Actually, he has no egrets; they’re simply impractical as pets. He has tons of regrets. 

Facts about Post-Apocalyptials

Born between the years 2012 and 2030, Post-Apocalyptials will be the first generation brought into an America of endless wastelands and ever-present gray skies. Though the Post-Apocalyptials do not exist yet, we have determined that existing research on Apocalyptials and Millennials, along with a careful application of psychohistory, can help predict many of this generation’s common traits, interests, and media consumption habits. Sadly, most of us will surely perish in the great conflagration, preventing us from confirming our predictions. Oh, well. Our lives are kind of stupid, anyway. — The Institute for Generational Studies, Report on Post-Apocalyptials, 2011

From the report, some facts:

• Among Post-Apocalyptials, popular means of spending leisure time will include kicking rocks, playing Hide and Jesus Christ Shut Your Mouth They’ve Got Guns, and eating lichen.
• A majority of Post-Apocalyptials will receive most of their news from whether something looks on fire or not.
• Post-Apocalyptials will be a generation on the move! Popular transportation methods will include walking until your legs give out again, clinging to flotsam, and mutant cats.
• In a huge generational shift, all Post-Apocalyptials will be homeschooled.
• 3 out of 10 Post-Apocalyptials will own a depressing-ass, dirty teddy bear with one eye missing.
• 1 out of every 10,000 Post-Apocalyptials will own an iPod. 0 out of 10 of them will work.
• 6 out of 10 Post-Apocalyptials will be accomplished murderers.
• The most common race/ethnicity among Post-Apocalyptials will be Dirtface.
• Politically, Post-Apocalyptials will be a diverse group, supporting a variety of chieftains, warlords, and maniacs for public office. On the issues, they will be virtually unified on gun rights and global warming, but unable to effect change at the polls due to a general non-existence of polls.
• Popular slang among Post-Apocalyptials will include, “I’m hungry,” “I’m so hungry,” and screaming.
• Many Post-Apocalyptials will be unsatisfied in the workplace, due to their being enslaved.
• 10 out of 10 Post-Apocalyptials will hate us. 

Exhibits at the Anticipatory Museum of Art

Hocking It Down: Urban Spit Sculpture in America, 2015-2019

People Are a Public Space: Human-Graffiti Artists, 2020-2021

Human-Graffiti Artists Are a Public Space: Human-Graffiti Revenge Pieces, 2021-2022

Grass Sandwich: Outsider Food, 2021-2024

You Can’t See It?: The Pretend Art Movement, 2022-2026 

Obviously: Hover Art, 2025-2027

Burn, Baby, Burn: Ar(t)sonists in Suburban Landscapes, 2030-2035 

The Man with a Sink in His Chest: Teleportation Mash-ups, 2034-2040

He Who Dealt It: Fart Art, 2037-2040

Great Leader, You’re Awesome: Painting During the Chinese Occupation, 2040-2045

Mutually Assured De-Construction: The Art of Nuclear Fission, 2045 

Human Civilization: A Retrospective, 10,000 B.C.-2046 A.D.

Rube Goldberg coping devices

The Cake Contraption

1. Human pushes grocery cart. 2. Butter, eggs, milk, flour, icing canisters fall into cart. 3. Human conveys items to trunk of automobile, which travels along course of road to domicile. 4. Human arranges items in manner necessary for baking. 5. Arrangement sits in oven for 30 minutes at 350 degrees. 6. Cake emerges. 7. Half of cake slides into human’s mouth. 8. Sugar and fat flavors activate pleasure centers in human’s brain, briefly shifting mental focus from severe job dissatisfaction to intense gustatory sensations and minor feeling of accomplishment at having made something tangible and beautiful. 9. Other half of cake slides into trash can.

The Ex-Girlfriend Gizmo  

1. Human inserts card into ATM machine. 2. ATM machine spits three $20 bills out. 3. Human slips bills into wallet. 4. Legs propel human to local bar. 5. Bill slides across counter. 6. Beer slides back. 7. Beer deposited into human. 8. Repeat steps 5 through 7 half a dozen times. 9. Human emits loud noises at other human. 10. Other human returns loud noises. 11. Human’s fist strikes other human, satisfying ancient animalistic domination impulse in human’s brain, providing flood of endorphins that momentarily overwhelm agonizing loneliness that stems from end of romantic relationship eight months before. 12. Other human’s fist strikes human, more accurately and with greater power. 13. Human’s head hits floor.

The Life Contrivance

1. Human meets other human at gathering. 2. Human provides other human with series of digits. 3. Human and other human meet repeatedly over course of several years. 4. Other human slides metallic circle onto human’s finger. 5. Human and other human cohabit domicile. 6. Other human’s sperm combines with human’s egg. 7. Zygote becomes fetus. 8. Fetus becomes baby. 9. Baby shoots out of human’s vagina. 10. Over course of eighteen years, human interacts with offspring in such a way as to provide the kind of care and guidance that human’s own mother never once provided, thus regularly activating and subsequently overpowering cerebral impressions of pain made decades previous. 11. Offspring is resentful.