Lucas Klauss

How to be a Klauss man

Because one day I may have a son. And by God he will be a Klauss man.

A Klauss man always tips twenty percent. It’s easier to calculate than fifteen percent.

A Klauss man has a firm, confident handshake. And he has a full, easily accessible hand sanitizer.

A Klauss man treats people of all races, ages, education levels, social standings, religious affiliations, and sexual orientations with equal fear and discomfort. 

A Klauss man does not envy. He covets. There’s a difference; learn it.

A Klauss man occasionally uses a semicolon. Just to show he can.

A Klauss man can spot a scam from a mile afterward.

A Klauss man regards saying “God bless you” after someone else sneezes as a silly anachronism. But he is miffed when no one says it to him.

A Klauss man sneezes tremendously, coughs politely, and spits like a girl. 

A Klauss man is proud of his heritage. He just doesn’t mention the Nazi stuff.

A Klauss man is always a gas at parties. He’s the one farting quietly in a corner.

A Klauss man knows how to “perform” the Heimlich maneuver. Even if it doesn’t work, it looks a lot like the real thing. 

A Klauss man lives every day like it’s somebody else’s last.

A Klauss man has no regrets. Actually, he has no egrets; they’re simply impractical as pets. He has tons of regrets. 

How to be a Klauss man

Because one day I may have a son. And by God he will be a Klauss man.

A Klauss man doesn’t stand for injustice. He runs away from it.

A Klauss man never boasts. He uses false modesty to extract praise.

A Klauss man never uses sexist language. He is too frightened of women to do so.

A Klauss man is true to his word. Unless he agreed to something annoying and he can squirrel out of it.

A Klauss man donates to charitable causes. But he would never think of volunteering for one.

A Klauss man holds the door for anyone who reaches it at the same time he does. This is an easy way to prove his moral superiority.

A Klauss man especially holds the door for a black person. This is an unmissable opportunity to prove he’s not racist.

A Klauss man looks another man directly in the area to the right or left of his eyes.

A Klauss man exhibits grace under fire. No, I’m sorry, a Klauss man enjoys watching the 90s Brett Butler sitcom Grace Under Fire. In a real-life emergency, a Klauss man is useless and probably dead.

A Klauss man holds well-informed opinions on current events. He gets these opinions from the Internet.

A Klauss man refrains from making categorical statements. Except to immediately undermine them.