Lucas Klauss

Facts about Post-Apocalyptials

Born between the years 2012 and 2030, Post-Apocalyptials will be the first generation brought into an America of endless wastelands and ever-present gray skies. Though the Post-Apocalyptials do not exist yet, we have determined that existing research on Apocalyptials and Millennials, along with a careful application of psychohistory, can help predict many of this generation’s common traits, interests, and media consumption habits. Sadly, most of us will surely perish in the great conflagration, preventing us from confirming our predictions. Oh, well. Our lives are kind of stupid, anyway. — The Institute for Generational Studies, Report on Post-Apocalyptials, 2011

From the report, some facts:

• Among Post-Apocalyptials, popular means of spending leisure time will include kicking rocks, playing Hide and Jesus Christ Shut Your Mouth They’ve Got Guns, and eating lichen.
• A majority of Post-Apocalyptials will receive most of their news from whether something looks on fire or not.
• Post-Apocalyptials will be a generation on the move! Popular transportation methods will include walking until your legs give out again, clinging to flotsam, and mutant cats.
• In a huge generational shift, all Post-Apocalyptials will be homeschooled.
• 3 out of 10 Post-Apocalyptials will own a depressing-ass, dirty teddy bear with one eye missing.
• 1 out of every 10,000 Post-Apocalyptials will own an iPod. 0 out of 10 of them will work.
• 6 out of 10 Post-Apocalyptials will be accomplished murderers.
• The most common race/ethnicity among Post-Apocalyptials will be Dirtface.
• Politically, Post-Apocalyptials will be a diverse group, supporting a variety of chieftains, warlords, and maniacs for public office. On the issues, they will be virtually unified on gun rights and global warming, but unable to effect change at the polls due to a general non-existence of polls.
• Popular slang among Post-Apocalyptials will include, “I’m hungry,” “I’m so hungry,” and screaming.
• Many Post-Apocalyptials will be unsatisfied in the workplace, due to their being enslaved.
• 10 out of 10 Post-Apocalyptials will hate us. 

Facts about Apocalyptials

Born between the year 2000 and the current year, Apocalyptials are the generation succeeding Millennials. They are so named because they will be the first generation to come of age during an apocalypse. However, as this report concludes, Apocalyptials are alarmingly unprepared for the approaching global cataclysm after which they are named. In fact, they are somehow even less prepared than Millennials, who have practically no skills other than rapid sexting and talking about themselves literally non-stop. — The Institute for Generational Studies, Report on Apocalyptials with Additional Snide Commentary on Millennials, 2011

From the report, some worrying facts:

• One hundred percent of Apocalyptials are children, who have no record of being able to govern themselves other than the television show Kid Nation, which was sweet but come on.

• When asked how they would respond in event of a nuclear catastrophe, seven out of ten Apocalyptials shrugged cutely. The other three out of ten started telling a story that made no sense.

• Zero Apocalyptials are considered experts in the fields of agriculture, engineering, and medicine, which will be essential areas of knowledge in a post-apocalyptic society. Popular areas in which Apocalyptials surveyed consider themselves to be experts include “Markers,” “Spaghetti and Meatballs,” “Running Faster Than Lightning,” “Choo-Choo Train,” and ”Aminals [sic],” only the last of which is generously sort of considered essential for post-apocalyptic life and even then not really.

• When Apocalyptials were shown a short film on how a global pandemic might affect people and society, nine in ten peed and/or shat their pants.

• A small percentage of Apocalyptials, all of them Cub Scouts, were able to build and maintain a fire. However, these asthmatic and overly trusting children would be among the first to perish in an apocalypse.

• In the event of a worldwide disaster, Apocalyptials would have to preserve and pass on our knowledge of history, which, computer models suggest, will result in a future wherein people worship our creators, the Wiggles.

• With little, inaccurate, or no knowledge of human reproduction, Apocalyptials will, at the very least, endure humiliating learning experiences, and, at worst, simply fail to repopulate the earth.

• And, after strenuous and thorough testing, infant Apocalyptials were demonstrated to be entirely worthless. 

• In one final note of optimism, however, the Institute recognizes that, according to some theological persuasions, all Apocalyptials would be Raptured in the event of a biblical apocalypse. Millennials, meanwhile, will all burn in hell. We at the Institute pray for such an outcome.

Facts about Millennials

According to most definitions, “Millennials” is the generally accepted term for the 80-million strong generation that was born between 1982-2000. They are also known as “Generation Y,” “The Me Generation,” and “The Least Great Generation,” because no one can be great while also wearing a hoodie. In this report, we find that Millennials are generally ill-equipped for adult life, college life, or even basic human life. Therefore we humbly suggest that their parents’ generation be renamed “The Worst Generation.” — The Institute for Generational Studies, Report on Millennials, 2011

From the report, some additional facts about Millennials:

• 27 percent of Millennials still breastfeed.

• One in six Millennials takes a bubble bath twice a day.

• A majority of Millennials receive the entirety of their news from their imagination.

• Millennials in the workplace typically require an Office Mom to prepare lunches, provide back rubs and ibuprofen, and insist that Millennial employees are overworked and undercompensated, no matter that they are interns.

• If all Millennials were to acquire their desired occupation as adults, a quarter of the nation’s workforce would be ninjas.

• More Millennials identify as Democrats than identify as Republicans, but the vast majority can only name “gay marriage” as a specific reason before launching into an ill-informed monologue on any number of unrelated, vaguely political topics. 

• 34 percent of Millennials do not know how to properly wipe themselves.

• 7 out of 10 Millennials believe that “magic is real if you believe hard enough,” a notion so lacking in common sense it made 9 out of 10 elderly Americans measurably angrier. 

• When calling their parents, as they do at least a dozen times each day, at least half of all Millennials use a special “baby language” they invented with their parents and no one else knows how to speak. There is no specific term for this, as each Millennial has his or her own infantile word for it, but examples include, “bwabee,” “tooch-tooch,” and “e-mamay e-ma[untranscribable].”

• Most Millennials’ childhood cultural touchstones are Pokemon and sexting, which, researchers agree, is completely sad.

• 9 in 10 Millennials agrees with the statement, “We are the future,” despite the fact that the ascendance of their generation will likely prompt the Apocalypse, thus ending time as it is commonly defined.

• Additionally, all Millennials have dated an Asian at some point.

(Note: The author of this post is, technically, a Millennial. Born in 1982, he is 73 years old.)