Lucas Klauss

Content factory: Justin Bieber edition

In an ongoing effort to get pageviews, I will be posting searchable questions—about Justin Bieber, in this case—and then answering them to the best of my ability. All answers are intended for Justin’s 14-and-up fans. Younger fans may consult the documentary Never Say Never for the thirty-ninth time.

What is Justin Bieber’s favorite food?

Justin’s fave food is whatever food you make him, as long as you make it with love. Didn’t you know that, girl? (wink) 

What is Justin Bieber’s workout routine??

Justin does an intense mix of cardio and weight lifting six days a week, but he always makes sure to stretch before and after and drink plenty of water, okay? Bonus fact: He has a trainer but barely even needs him since he’s so motivated. (wink)

omg what’s justin bieber’s favorite movie????

Thanks for the question! Justin LOVES a good movie, especially snuggled up with his honey ;-). He gets a real kick out of all the Jackass movies and is a HUGE fan of Francois Truffaut’s early work, especially French New Wave masterpiece The 400 Blows. (wink)

IS JUSTIN BIEBER A ANGEL SENT FROM HEAVEN?!

Yes. Though “cast out from heaven” is perhaps more accurate. You see, when God created Justin, He made him so beautiful that even the other angels found themselves transfixed. God grew jealous of Justin and the attention he was getting and expelled Justin forever from His kingdom. But I’d say Heaven’s loss was our gain, wouldn’t you? (wink)

how do i find that bitch selena freakn gomez?

Hi! What’s your name? That’s a great name. Now, regarding your question, it’s important to remember that Selena Gomez is a young person just like yourself—she has people who care for her, she studies for quizzes, and she loves Justin Bieber. And calling her bad words or threatening her because she’s dating Justin isn’t really appropriate, okay? By the way, Justin thinks you have a great name too. (wink) 

if i’m a guy and i’m attracted to justin bieber does that mean i’m gay?

Not necessarily. Justin’s beauty transcends normal human paradigms of straight/bi/gay/queer. Every human with a soul is in some way attracted to Justin. (wink)

why isnt justn beiber amercan?

Well, Justin Bieber isn’t American because he was born and raised in Canada. I get the feeling there’s a subtext to this question, but I can’t figure out what it is, so I’ll have to let this answer suffice. To obtain more accurate answers in the future, be specific in your wording and consult a dictionary. (wink)

Is Justin Bieber my dad?

Ummmm, I don’t think that’s possible? Unless you are a toddler and your mother is typing this question by manipulating your tiny fingers. Even then, it seems unlikely, and you couldn’t understand this, anyway. But good luck! (wink)

HOW CAN I GET JUSTIN BIEBER TO BE MY BOYFRIEND?!

Honey, listen. Justin is great. We both know that. But he’s not something to get, like a toy or a cell phone. He’s a (angel disguised as) a human being. And what Justin likes in a girl is for her to pursue her own dreams—the ones unrelated to Justin Bieber and his magnificent hair, smile, personality, and music. That’s what will make you truly happy. If that doesn’t work, though, you could try getting a boyfriend or girlfriend who kind of looks like Justin. Fair warning, though: it will almost definitely end in disaster. (wink)  

whats justin beber’s fav color?

The color of your eyes, duh. (wink)

Content factory

In an ongoing effort to get pageviews, I will be posting common, searchable questions and then answering them to the best of my ability.

What is the most popular boy name in the U.S.?

Turbine. (Just kidding, that’s obviously not it. Or not obviously, if it wasn’t obvious. If it wasn’t obvious, I apologize for saying it was obvious. The real answer is Brayden Patriot.)

Who is the greatest basektball player of all time?

Basektball is not a sport. Thanks for visiting lucasklauss.com!

Does hand sanitizer work?

Yes. It helps people pretend their hands are clean.

When should I replace the batteries in my smoke detector?

Every time a fire burns your house down.

Is taking karate cool or gay?

Neither.

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

On a floppy disk in your parents’ basement. (Sorry. Real talk.)

Are ponies baby horses or just small horses?

I didn’t know this either until embarrassingly recently! Turns out they’re small horses, but I guess part of me always thought they were child horses because child humans ride them? That sounds weird, but I’m not sure it’s any weirder than ponies being a miniature, less useful version of another animal.

Why is the sky blue?

What are you, four years old? Sorry, that was rude of me to say. Unless you really are four years old, in which case, GOOD JOB WEB SITE YAY!!!

How do you do sex?

I urge you to go to this web site immediately, before something irreversible happens.

Kirk or Picard?

Darth motherfucking Vader.

Is prostitution the world’s oldest profession?

No. Manager of a nudist resort is the world’s oldest profession.

Who put the bomp in the bomp-she…

Let me just stop you right there.

How are you?

Oh, you know. Pretty good.

Content factory

In an ongoing effort to get pageviews, I will be posting common, searchable questions and then answering them to the best of my ability.

What do hermit crabs eat?

Hmm. Your question is a little unclear. Do you mean in the wild or in an aquarium? To be honest, I don’t know, either way. Sorry!

When is Mother’s Day 2011?

Oh, man. It’s really soon, isn’t it? Crap. Thanks for reminding me, though.

How do you prevent seasickness?

How do I prevent seasickness? I don’t go on boats, basically. And I don’t encourage others to go on boats.

How many species go extinct each day?

Pretty bummer question there, buddy. I bet the answer is something not super-high but still high enough that it’s depressing. Like 30 probably. Jeez, what a bummer question.

Why does gasoline smell so good?

I KNOW, RIGHT?! So weird. I love that smell. But you don’t really want to know the answer. It’d probably spoil it.

How do I determine if produce is locally grown?

Check the tag. Ha, just kidding. I don’t actually know. You could ask the guy spritzing the lettuce, but he’d probably lie to you.

What is the price of a stamp?

“Forever.”

Is it safe to microwave food in a styrofoam container?

You don’t have a bowl or a plate? Use a bowl or a plate if you have either one.

Do you have to be baptized to go to heaven?

Hoo boy. I kind of remember this. I think it depends on your interpretation of a particular verse. Like some confusing Greek word. Let’s go with Yes, just in case.

Where have all the cowboys gone?

Cattle herding hasn’t been a common profession in the U.S. for many decades.

What kind of toilet tissue feels best on the bottom?

This question is kind of weirdly phrased. I don’t think too many people would ask it like this, so I don’t feel obligated to try and answer it.

Is it okay to eat toothpaste?

Technically, I’m sure the answer is Yes. But if you’re asking like that, I bet you really want to eat it like it’s blue candy peanut butter. In that case, the answer is Kind Of.

Where are the flying cars we were promised?

Don’t.

Who gives a flip?

I do!