Lucas Klauss

As an author, I am a witty, charming, observant, and kind person who is wise beyond his years. However, as an only recently published and mostly unknown author, not enough people are aware of all that. They simply haven’t bothered to find out.

So, until the day I receive my due notoriety and praise, I will have to settle for answering questions that have been posed to other, more famous authors, in this feature: Author Q&A.

Today’s interview was originally conducted by Scotcampus (“Scotland’s biggest and oldest independent student publication”) with George R. R. Martin, world-famous author primarily known for his A Song of Ice and Fire fantasy series and its HBO television adaptation, Game of Thrones.

First things first, how’s the second season of Game of Thrones coming along?

Well … I haven’t actually watched the show yet, though I’m a big fan of the books. Are they on the second season already? Anyway, sorry, I know you’re just trying to break the ice. I do sometimes watch Real Housewives of Atlanta, if you’ve seen that. (laughs)

You must be pretty pleased with the production though? Everything seems to be in pretty safe hands and true to the source material.

(laughs loudly) Right, I’m sure Andy Cohen goes to great pains to present everything accurately and without melodrama. (pause) Oh, wait. You mean … Game of Thrones? I mean, like I said, I haven’t seen it. But I hear great things.

You’ve written the episode which features the Battle of Blackwater, a pretty major event in the second book. How has that been?

(long pause) You know my name is Lucas Klauss, right? I wrote Everything You Need to Survive the Apocalypse. It’s a YA novel?

Ok let’s get back to the books, because that’s what we’re really keen to talk to you about.

Oh! Yeah. Sounds great. (takes sip of water)

Did you ever envisage them being so successful when you first finished Game of Thrones?

(seems to choke on water, then recovers) You mean when I read the first book in high school? Are we going to talk about Song of Ice and Fire the whole time? (pause) I mean, I do like those books. It’s just … you know, never mind. Sorry. I kind of like the idea of an interview that’s not entirely about me. Is that sort of a college thing? Or a Scottish thing?

Anyway, to answer your question, when I read A Game of Thrones when I was, like, fifteen or something, no, I didn’t know that I would have any success as a writer at all.

I think one of the reasons your books are so popular is that you have so many rich and interesting characters involved in the plotline.

Wow. Thank you. I mean, I don’t know if I’d describe my book as “popular,” but—

Even thinking back to the last book the addition of someone like Wyman Manderly comes to mind…

Um. Yeah. I don’t totally remember who that is.

Dance with Dragons seemed to push together a lot of the stray plotlines though.

Sort of, yeah. (long pause) Listen, I guess I would like to talk about my book a little more? I mean, just to give readers an idea of what it’s about.

So I take it it’ll be some point next year before you start working on the next book?

Okay, or we can talk about my next book. But, no, I already started it a while ago. It’s going along pretty well, I think.

Looking at the books there still seem to be a few characters such as Howland Reed who we’ve heard about but not yet met. Do you think readers are likely to see these characters and will you be revisiting say Ned Stark’s past?

(stands up)(sits down)(stands back up) I’m sorry. I have to … I have to go. There’s a train to Edinburgh. Sorry. Bye. Thank you!

As an author, I am a witty, charming, observant, and kind person who is wise beyond his years. However, as a not quite published and mostly unknown author, not enough people are aware of all that. They simply haven’t bothered to find out.

So, until the day I receive my due notoriety and praise, I will have to settle for answering questions that have been posed to other, more famous authors, in this feature: Author Q&A.

Today’s interview was originally conducted by The Believer magazine in 2005 with Miranda July, noted author, filmmaker, and artist.

So, I don’t know how to do these things, and I imagine you’ve done way too many, so I’m just going to give you options, OK?

Um, sure! Though I haven’t actually done any of these things. Well, one, but it was a fake interview for my blog. Ha. So that doesn’t count.

Here are the choices. I can try to ask actual questions—well, I had some questions prepared, but then I accidentally dropped them in the mailbox today, on the way to work. I was mailing some postcards, and I was really focusing on the mailbox, and I don’t know what happened—whatever, so they’re in a mailbox on Allston Street. But I re-prepared them from my memory. So, option one is actual…

Questions. Yeah. Got it.

Right, good questions. Or at least semi-good, you know, like: “Could you trace a path from the Big Miss Moviola project through your own work and now this film?”

[pause] I’m sorry, what?

And then option two is things like, “So that final scene with the son, it sorta seems to suggest this, but then I kind of had this theory that it’s sorta like that—what do you think about that?”

Uh. Is there another option?

Really, the second kind is harder?

It’s not “harder.” It’s just … is there a third option?

And then option three is like, “Hey, have you heard that new Sleater-Kinney album?”

You mean Wild Flag? Yeah. I really, really like it. I guess I’ll go with this op—

How was that?

How was … answering the question? It was okay. But you interrupted me.

But this new album is so not old.

[long pause] I think maybe I’ll actually go with the first op—

Of the first kind, so then we can go into the others—Nice, perfect.

Yeah.

OK, how about this: In the past you’ve worked in a wide range of mediums, but you chose to do this project as a film, and in some sense a fairly straightforward film—at least, not overtly artsy. What were some of the advantages to doing it like that, and what were some of the limitations?

Is this, like, a prank? Like a joke? I don’t get it.

Were you aware of that being kind of unorthodox?

Yes! Very aware! So is this a prank? Or are you really just that bad at this?

Did you—wait, did you think you were an adult Latina woman?

[sigh] What’s the angle here, dude? Do you actually write for the magazine? I’m probably going to hang up here in a second.

What else? Shouldn’t I make you explain some things? Do you have a whole lineup of interviews today?

Okay, now you’re just being an asshole. Actually, no you were being an asshole the whole time.

Oh, no—I just don’t want you to feel cheated if I don’t ask questions like—

I feel cheated! I already feel cheated!

OK.

“OK”? Not, like, “sorry”?

Maybe we should just do a couple more real ones, just in case, OK?

What do you mean “more”? There weren’t any real ones to begin with.

Oh really? Then forget it. Who cares? We have a lot of good stuff.

What?! No. No no no. I’m retracting this interview. Do not publish—

Oh yeah, I’ll make it sparkle.

You’re a dick. 

As an author, I am a witty, charming, observant, and kind person who is wise beyond his years. However, as a not quite published and mostly unknown author, not enough people are aware of all that. They just haven’t bothered to find out!

So, until the day I receive my due notoriety and praise, I will have to settle for answering questions that have been posed to other, more famous authors, in this feature: Author Q&A.

Today’s interview was originally conducted by the Onion AV Club on Sept. 1, 2010, with Jonathan Franzen, noted author of The Corrections and Freedom.

Salon posted a story the other day titled “Why Do Authors Hate Being Interviewed?” You’re a novelist. Do you hate being interviewed?

Not at all! Of course, this is my first interview ever, so it’s hard to say. But so far, I think it’s pretty fun. And flattering! Just the idea that you and the people reading this would be interested in what I have to say. Wow.

You like to see yourself on television?

Would I? Is that what you’re asking? Yeah. Though I guess I would probably be really nervous. Like, really obviously nervous. That always makes me uncomfortable when I see someone on TV who’s nervous. But I could probably get better at it, if they gave me a chance.

Do novelists even get invited to be on TV anymore?

(laughs) Exactly. Why would I even get the chance to begin with? Who’s inviting debut young adult novelists to be on their TV show? Charlie Rose? (laughs) Not even Charlie Rose. Maybe if I was on a panel of debut YA authors. On, like, Book TV. (laughs)

What started you on the path toward writing Freedom? Did it begin with a character, a notion, a scene?

Well. Ummm. My book isn’t called Freedom. It’s called Everything You Need to Survive the Apocalypse. But … no, no, no, that’s fine. It’s fine. I know you do a lot of these things. Really, don’t worry about it. (takes sip of water) But to answer the question, I guess it started with a scene.

A lot of writers—if they don’t use typewriters or write longhand—claim to only use computers without an Internet connection, because the distraction is too readily available, and no work gets done.

Yes. They do. Are you asking…? Well, I actually use a program called Freedom when I write at home. Weirdly enough. It’s like a timer you can set that blocks the Internet for however many minutes you want and you can only deactivate it if you force quit and restart your computer. So that’s pretty helpful. (pause) Why did you say “claim”? Like … you doubt them?

You wrote a short piece a while ago about your office chair that you found on a street in the early ’80s. [“A Squeaky Office Chair,” from How I Write.] Do you still have it?

Um. I didn’t, actually. Write that. So, no, I don’t have it. I never did.

You mentioned Glenn Beck earlier. And there’s a line in your book, “The personality susceptible to the dream of limitless freedom is a personality also prone, should the dream ever sour, to misanthropy and rage.” The relationship between freedom and anger—

Are you…? You just kind of abruptly cut yourself off there. (pause) Anyway, I don’t remember mentioning Glenn Beck and that is not a line from my book. I mean, I wish it were, but…

How much do you think about the concept of readership? It’s changed so much, even since your last novel.

(long pause) Are you talking about my undergrad thesis? That wasn’t a novel. It wasn’t even a novella, actually. I remember I tried to call it a novella but the review board or whoever decided it wasn’t long enough. Back to the question, though, I think about it, yeah. Some. I don’t know if it’s changed that much, really. That was only six years ago.

Has technology changed that? Hasn’t that always been the essential mission of the novelist?

You’re right, you’re right. E-readers didn’t exist then. So that’s changed readership, I guess. And the Internet is more of a thing. So people’s reading habits have changed, right? I think I read that. That people actually read differently now. More in short bursts. But what was the “mission” part? Technology? Or the stuff about the review board? We can take a break if you need one. Or do this over email…

What do you think of e-readers? How do you think they will affect literature in the long term?

Well, as I said, I think that they probably change people’s reading experience. I mean, I haven’t actually used one before. So maybe I’d like it if I tried it. But I like books, you know? Physical books. As far as how they’ll affect literature… 

(very long pause)

Let me get back to you on that.