Lucas Klauss

Been digging this chopped-up remix of an early U2 song,...

Fri, 25 May 2012 09:56:25 -0400

Been digging this chopped-up remix of an early U2 song, “Stories for Boys,” done by my bud, Adam.

Things I have been up to lately: Chilling the eff out. At the end of April, I finally finished the...

Wed, 16 May 2012 11:22:43 -0400

Things I have been up to lately:

Chilling the eff out. At the end of April, I finally finished the first draft of my second novel. All in all, it took me about a year and a half to write it, and a big chunk of it was written just in the past few months. I feel really good about it but also nervous about the work that remains to be done, and I’ve been taking this month as a necessary break from the intensity of the writing process and as a way to get a different perspective on the thing as a whole. In the meantime, I have been playing actual COMPUTER GAMES, including, since yesterday, Diablo 3. Hell yesssssssssssss.
Working on sketch comedy videos. The Bilderbergers haven’t come out with a video in a while for various reasons, mostly because the other two Bilderbergers were having a successful run at the UCB Theatre and I was writing a damn book. But now all of the sudden we have three videos IN THE PIPELINE. Now it’s just a matter of getting them out of that line of pipes we put them in for safekeeping!!!! Just kidding, it’s more about editing the footage and such.
Preparing for my first-ever class visit and then doing it. Back in January, I met intrepid YA author Melissa Kantor at Teen Author Reading Night at the Jefferson Market Library. She was so kind as to invite me to speak to the 8th graders at St. Ann’s in Brooklyn Heights, where she is an English teacher. I was pretty damn nervous about the whole thing, but I honed in on a theme that interested me (the role of failure in writing and in life—but in a funny way!), came up with a half-hour presentation (I have never talked for that long at once in my whole life probably?!), and delivered it to two groups of eighth graders, one class right after the next. I think I was a little too nervous during the first one, but the kids still had awesome questions for me afterward, and then, with a nice tip from one of the librarians, I quickly rejiggered the whole thing and delivered what I think was a pretty good presentation in the second session. And again I got really awesome questions from the students. That was really my favorite part and I’d like to figure out a way to have it be my job to stand at a podium and answer questions posed by eighth graders.
Not writing a ton of things on this blog. This bugs me but I just haven’t had the time at all lately. My plan is to do this more soon.
Watching a ton of Breaking Bad. Jeez, this show!
Going on vacation. See ya, suckers! But then I’ll be back in, like, a few days. Don’t worry, that’s just how vacation works.

To: Romney 2012 LGBT National Outreach Team From: Jeff Naybor, Romney 2012 LGBT Outreach...

Fri, 04 May 2012 09:45:39 -0400

To: Romney 2012 LGBT National Outreach Team

From: Jeff Naybor, Romney 2012 LGBT Outreach Director

Subject: Some changes

Hey, gang!

Just wanted to touch base with the two of you. Please be assured that, despite the media’s distortions and contortions, Mr. Grenell’s recent resignation as foreign policy spokesman was his personal choice and does *not* indicate any distancing from, “muzzling” of, or general anxiety about LGBT staff on the behalf of Gov. Romney or the campaign in general. We are still GO, GO, GO for next week’s unveiling of the Romney 2012 LGBT Outreach program!!!

That said, there are a few small changes—decided on *before* this Grenell stuff!—that I need to share with you:

1. Name

We’re getting a new official name! After discussing the matter with some of the head honchos, they agreed with me (definitely not the other way around!) that “LGBT National Outreach Team” was just too clunky.

So, guess what? Now we’re the “National Outreach Team”! It has a nice ring to it and way fewer letters. What do you think? Well, I think it helps us refocus on our goal: outreach. To anybody. Who lives in the United States. With no particular focus other than that because we believe that all people are equal, just like Mitt Romney does.

Also, since campaign HQ has to alter our official logo, they’re not going to be able to roll out our page on the Romney 2012 Web site for another month or two (or three or more). But once it’s back up it’ll be better than ever.

2. Uniform

I convinced them to buy us new uniforms too! For the guys (me and Chase), it’ll be solid-color button-up shirts (blue or white; no “electric” blue), slacks with pleats, no hair products, and plain white Hanes briefs. For the gals (Melissa), it’ll be shoulder-length hair and a pretty dress. And once we get them in, we’ll all proudly wear our Romney 2012 National Outreach Team pins (shaped like a man and a woman holding hands, which symbolizes unity).

3. Salary and Benefits

I know that neither of you were drawing a salary before, nor were you receiving benefits like coffee or health insurance. But, for everyone’s clarification, I just wanted to make sure that was written into the campaign handbook, so we went ahead and took a vote and did that. As long as you’re on the National Outreach Team, I’m afraid you won’t qualify for coffee, health insurance, or money. We just don’t have the budget right now! But if you ever make a move to one of the mainstream teams, which I’m not encouraging you to do, you will be eligible for all of those things, plus donuts.

4. Personal Life

You guys know that I’m totally straight, right? Not that it matters! But if I weren’t, it wouldn’t matter either! In fact, it wouldn’t matter so much that I wouldn’t even mention it to anyone, ever. And I would delete all allusions to it on my Facebook, Twitter, Grindr, etc.

(This isn’t a “change,” just a useful clarification!)

5. Conversion Camp

The head honchos wanted me to let you know this: if you ever feel like you’ve had enough of the National Outreach Team lifestyle, you can always come to one of them, and they’ll send you, all expenses paid, to a Team Conversion Camp. From what I understand, it’s a remote but beautiful location in the Midwest where an expert staff will teach you how to suppress your National Outreach tendencies in order to “convert” to a more traditional Romney campaign team (e.g. Foreign Policy, Faith Outreach, Immigrant Kicking).

Again, I am not encouraging you to do this. I think both of you are perfect just how you are. Not only is the National Outreach Team nothing to be ashamed of, it’s something to be proud of, in a quiet way!

We don’t have an easy road, that’s for sure. But in the end, when Mitt Romney is elected president and he finally sends all gay people to Guam to live there forever, it’ll be worth it.

Give My Book Away by the Red Hot Chili Lucas Klausses

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 14:44:00 -0400

Over on my Twitter.com, I’m doing a giveaway, y’all [UPDATE: I gave it away]. If you enter and win, I will send you a signed copy of the first printing of APOCALYPSE, which has now entered a second printing. Here is the jingle I wrote for this giveaway, set to a tune similar to but not exactly “Give It Away” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers:

Give my book away

Give my book away now

Give my book away

Give my book away now

Give my book away

Give my book away now

Wap-bap-top-bop-give-my-book-away-yeah

(Eighteen-minute-long bass solo)

I hope soon to return to writing silly jokes here. In the meantime, I can tell you that the humor...

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 10:13:43 -0400

I hope soon to return to writing silly jokes here. In the meantime, I can tell you that the humor collection in which I will have some silly political joke pieces has a name now: The McSweeney’s Book of Politics and Musicals. Mine are more on the Politics side, but you can sing them if you want—it wouldn’t qualify as a gaffe! Or a filibuster! Or an Obamacare!

Such silly jokes.

Valiantly plunging into the murky morass of the first...

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 09:45:10 -0400

Valiantly plunging into the murky morass of the first draft’s concluding act.

Just a reminder, y’all: The NYC Teen Author Festival is going on right now! All this week!...

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 10:00:05 -0400

Just a reminder, y’all: The NYC Teen Author Festival is going on right now! All this week! And I’m gonna be in it! On Friday! Twice! And also on Sunday! Just once! Details and fewer exclamation points below!

Friday, March 30

New Voices Spotlight, 4:40 - 5:30 p.m. At the 42nd Street Main Branch of the New York Public Library (Bergen Room). I and four other debut authors (Emily Danforth, Kate Ellison, Carley Moore, and fellow Southerner Alecia Whitaker) will read from our books and have a Q&A with the audience. Very happy to be on this panel.

Reader’s Theater, 7 - 8:30 p.m. On the big stage at the Union Square Barnes & Noble! I and a total murderer’s row of YA authors (David Levithan, Siobhan Vivian, John Corey Whaley, Emily Danforth, Stephanie Perkins, and Andrea Cremer) will dramatize excerpts from our novels. I am especially psyched for this one.

Sunday, May 1

YA Author Mega-Signing, 1:45 - 2:30 p.m. At Books of Wonder. From 1 to 4, there will be an absolute truckload (yes, we will be trucked in) of YA authors signing your copy of their books and chatting with you. It will be fun.

And if you like teen authors but don’t especially care for me, there are plenty of other events you can go to! Check the link, ya jerk!

What inspires you? Are there certain places you look for inspiration, or is it always random?

Fri, 23 Mar 2012 09:32:37 -0400

Thanks for the question, scarfspiration. For me, looking for inspiration is essential. It’s pretty rare that an idea hits me if I’m not actively searching for one. (Scarfspiration, I’m afraid, pretty much never strikes me.)

The popular conception, I think, is that you either have a good imagination or you don’t. But finding inspiration was actually something I had to practice—and over time got better at. So where do I look for it? I usually just dig around in my mind, searching for some image or phrase or juxtaposition that, however briefly, held my attention. I’ve had to learn to trust my subconscious about these things, which is difficult for someone who lives in the front part of his brain as much as I do.

Another way I find inspiration is by writing. Ideally, by sitting down and writing the first interesting thing that comes to mind, I can get to a place where my subconscious simply takes over. The simple act of typing words is a surprisingly powerful way of accessing that mental space. I recommend it! Often to myself!

So I guess I don’t necessarily know what inspires me until it inspires me. But, generally, I do seem to like writing stories about growing up, friendship, and trying to understand stuff, and jokes about mundane things juxtaposed with strange/terrifying things.

Also, the Perfect Strangers theme song.

The rewards of authorship are sometimes unexpected. Case in point, this magnificent artwork...

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 09:51:00 -0400

The rewards of authorship are sometimes unexpected. Case in point, this magnificent artwork commissioned by my good friend, Katie, and her husband, Nate, and created by Nate’s brother, Andrew—all in honor of Apocalypse. There are a few clever in-jokes here that some of you might not get; the harmonica on the rug, for instance, is a reference to my brief detainment on the isle of Capri for unlawful panhandling during a high school Latin club trip to Italy. But I think we can all agree he did a great job capturing my fanciness, my sweater enthusiasm, and my enormous head, yes?

Thanks for the questions, y’all. I had fun answering them! So much fun, in fact, that...

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 10:14:00 -0400

Thanks for the questions, y’all. I had fun answering them! So much fun, in fact, that I’ve decided to keep the Ask option open from now on. If you think of something you’d like me to elaborate upon (e.g. thematic stuff, publishing crap, writing junk, biographical garbage, or Sabra hummus flavors), click that ? up there and slap an interrogative on me, bro/dudette.

As a bonus, here are the lyrics of a peppy little song I thought of over the weekend:

Havin’ stuff

Havin’ stuff and doin’ stuff and ownin’ things

Realize your dreams about ownin’ things

Organize that stuff and then use it good

So I’ll be in the studio all week recording it.

This is Ragnar. I know that your book went through several revisions. When, in the process of thinking about it or actually writing it, did you have a clear idea of the ending? I know that some writers know exactly where they're going and others sort of discover where they're headed as they write. What was your experience?

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 09:57:33 -0400

Thanks for the question, Ragnar. I should first say: NO SPOILERS. Not that this is really that kind of book, if you know what I mean, but still.

The first thing I had was an image. That’s often how it goes when I’m writing. I search for a visual that seems to be the center of a scene and then I work toward that visual. In this case, for the *very* end I had a visual of that maybe a little over halfway into the first draft. Before then, I really didn’t know where the story was going to end or if I would just at some point have to be like, “Okay, that’s it, I guess.” I’d never finished writing a book (I still have done it only once) so it was a relief to have found a scene, however vague, to work toward.

Of course there still remained a lot to figure out—such as, everything else that happens so that the book gets to that final image. But, ultimately, what happens in that last scene and the several scenes before it didn’t change that much throughout the multiple revisions. I thoroughly revised the language but the basic chain of events stayed pretty constant. It’s kinda cool that it worked out like that; reading it feels like a connection to that younger guy who had no idea if this would ever be a book and would have probably guessed that it wouldn’t be.

Right now I’m actually pushing toward another ending, for my second book. This time I have a better idea of the last line than what the final image will be. I think.

If you could co-write a book with anyone, who would it be?

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 10:20:53 -0400

Thanks for the question! This is a tough one. My thoughts naturally go to some of my idols when I was younger, because wouldn’t that be the most amazing experience, to be able to actually write a book with someone who first showed you what writing could do?

Of those, I actually think it would be most fun and most rewarding to write with Dave Barry. That may sound like a surprising choice, but, having a book come out, you’re asked to talk about who “inspired” you, and he’s one of the people who has most often sprung to mind. He published a LOT of humor books in the 90s, some of which were original takes on particular topics (e.g. American history) and some of which were collections of his columns for the Miami Herald. I read a fair number of them, often while sitting in class (5th and 6th grade, mostly), laughing out loud and not minding the WTF glances I got because, first of all, 5th graders shouldn’t be using that kind of language, and, second, I was reading it and they weren’t and even if they did they wouldn’t understand it like I did. I was kind of a secret jerk about it.

Anyway, his writing made me want to write funny things too. He’s since written a bunch of comic novels and even co-written some kids books about Peter Pan. I think he would be really good at writing YA, though, actually. Just sayiiiiiiiiiiiin’! (Email me, Dave.)

Is it true that you have a third nipple?

Wed, 14 Mar 2012 22:50:11 -0400

Thanks for the question. And it is true! Though, as nipples go, it’s pretty unimpressive. It’s like the runty, tagalong nipple the other nipples tolerate because, hey, there’s only three of us, and we nipples have to stick together, you know? Even though you’ve got a squeaky little voice and you won’t for the love of God shut up sometimes, you’re one of us, okay? And you’re not too bad in a tussle, kid. Now put your coat on and let’s go show those moles we mean business!

Ask me anything!

It's Kevin. Who were your characters based on? I could picture several kids in my grade, several coaches, and several kids in your grade throughout this adventure. Do tell.

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 22:12:53 -0400

Thanks for the question, Kev. Because APOCALYPSE so clearly takes place in and around the high school I attended (clearly to those who are from there, anyway), it’s natural to assume that the characters are based on people I knew there and then.

But I actually made a deliberate effort not to do that. One reason is because it’s just not very fun, in my experience, to try and write real people into fictional situations. I’d rather try and make somebody up. Also I didn’t want this to be an autobiographical novel, so including people from real life and changing their names (Kevin becomes Bev Lynn) or whatever would have made it much more difficult to avoid telling my own personal story, rather than telling a story that deals with themes and settings I personally find compelling.

That said, not much of what I just described was a conscious effort until later in the revision process. As I was writing, I mostly tried to simply follow my instincts.

Another thing is that just because I tried to write made-up people doesn’t mean that aspects of real people didn’t sneak in there. For instance, Ferret’s habit of riding his bike to monitor the cross country runners was taken from a real cross country coach of mine. But Ferret himself doesn’t, in my opinion, resemble that coach, physically or temperamentally. He also is nothing like my youth pastor, who is a genuinely funny and good guy.

So who snuck in? In retrospect, I think Mark kind of resembles my friend, Stuart, in his goofballness. Phillip, of course, ended up having a lot in common with me; but he’s different in some important ways.

And Rebekah?

I’ll never tell.

Do you have a question for me?

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 09:29:00 -0400

There’s a bit I do on this blog sometimes called Author Q&A. In it, I answer questions that have been posed to other, more famous authors during interviews at publications significantly more prestigious than lucasklauss.com. It is a hoot.

But it occurs to me that, now that two months have passed since my book came out, some people might have actual questions to ask me. Maybe you read Apocalypse and it made you wonder … something. Maybe you’re curious about writing, publishing, YA, humor, my favorite sports team (The Everybodytown Wellbuckets), my second-favorite sports team (The Northwesterburg Calcium Deposits), my third-favorite sports team (not telling), or what a bagel is. You should know that last one, though.

Whatever it is, within reason and basic freaking decency, I’ll try my best to answer your question. Click below or on the question mark in the upper right. And feel free to submit anonymously.

So.

Anything?

Lucas, I want you to be one of the first to know about an exciting development in my 2012...

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 09:48:16 -0500

Lucas,

I want you to be one of the first to know about an exciting development in my 2012 presidential campaign. Not only is it a historic first in American politics, but it is also a necessary step in protecting the achievements we’ve made in my first term.

Lucas, I have chosen a sentient drone named Drone Biden to be my vice-presidential running mate this election.

Now, how about that? Didn’t I tell you it was exciting?

Here’s why I made this choice:

First of all, drones are just cool. Have you ever seen one? They’re like remote-controlled planes, which already are pretty cool, but drones are about fifteen times bigger. How cool is that? If you ask me or my wife, Michelle, or our wonderful children, Sasha and Malia, the answer is, “Very cool.” We’re a drone-loving family, you might say. Sometimes at our presidential retreat at Camp David, we like to take a few drones out for a spin and just watch them go!

Second, drones are awesome. And I mean that in the traditional sense of “awe-inspiring” as well as the contemporary sense of “totally freakin’ awesome.” They pack some major firepower, let me tell you. Products of American ingenuity and know-how, drones have been put to extensive use abroad as we take the fight to terrorists, wherever they may try to hide. But the thing is: nobody can hide from a drone! Just ask Anwar Al-Awlaki, except you can’t because he’s dead from getting blown up by an awesome drone.

Third, drones are, if you’ll pardon my language, super-badass. As huge, highly sophisticated robots with wings, drones are constitutionally incapable of giving a crap. They are also really tall if you stand them up like a human and put a tailored suit on them. As such, my drone running mate will be a constant reminder to my Republican challenger that this administration will not back down from the progress we have made as Americans over the past several years. Do you want to roll back health insurance coverage for millions of Americans? Tell it to the drone. Do you want to raise taxes on low-income families while lowering them for the wealthy? Tell it to the drone! Do you want to try and pretend like you don’t know who killed Osama bin Laden? Tell. It. To. The. Drooooooooone.

And fourth, Joe Biden, current vice-president of the United States of America, has already undergone a first-of-its-kind, American-engineered technological melding process with a drone. I did not pressure him to do this. Joe, before he was half-drone, often remarked to me how impressed he was with drone technology and “how fast those suckers fly.” Now Joe himself can travel up to speeds of 345 miles per hour! He loves it, as does his wonderful wife, Jill, who is currently not a drone. And because he is at least 51% human, he still qualifies as a legal candidate under current law.

Now, a few people have raised complaints about the growing use of drones under my administration. They argue that drone strikes are often inaccurate and cause collateral damage, that drones are sometimes used to run secretive military operations in countries with which we are not at war, and that plans to dramatically expand the airspace available to drones in the U.S. are unnerving at best.

But let’s be clear: those people suck. Big time. They probably only like lame stuff and that’s their problem.

You and me, Lucas? We know what’s cool.

1. Swords; 2. BMX bike tricks; 3. The repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”; 4. How Jeremy Lin sank that three-pointer at the buzzer; and 5. Drones.

All my best,

Barack Obama

This year’s NYC Teen Author Festival (March 26 - April 1) should be awesome. It appeals to a...

Thu, 01 Mar 2012 12:48:00 -0500

This year’s NYC Teen Author Festival (March 26 - April 1) should be awesome. It appeals to a wide variety of people, including:

1. People who like YA literature.

2. People who like YA authors. Pretty much all of them are going to be there.

3. People who like harvest festivals but wish there was less harvesting and more teen authors.

4. People who are curious what the acronym NYC stands for. You will figure it out if you show up!

5. My rabid and broad fanbase, as I will be participating at three separate events at the NYC Teen Author Festival. Click up top to see which ones!

6. My rabider and broader foebase, as this festival will provide three separate opportunities to heckle me. Bring it on, foebase!

Actually, crap, please don’t bring it on, foebase. I can’t really withstand that kind of public mockery…

Ugh, great, now my foebase is totally going to come out and ridicule me with lewd chants and placards of me with drawn-on moustaches, exactly like they did at my book readings. I think the only way to counteract them would be if my entire fanbase showed up at each of the three events I’m in. Thanks in advance!

You may spot him one morning on your bedroom windowsill. He might appear on your desktop at work....

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 09:09:04 -0500

You may spot him one morning on your bedroom windowsill. He might appear on your desktop at work. Or perhaps, as you finish your evening glass of wine, you will notice him resting on the bottom of the glass, his glossy coat shining in the candlelight. But wherever you encounter him, when the tiny horse enters your life, the sight of him will strike fear into your heart.

For you will know your doom is imminent.

The tiny horse does not come for us all, of course. Many live in great fear of him, yet never see his diminutive equine figure. Others live as if he does not exist at all and learn of their foolishness only in their final, terrifying seconds.

What, if anything, can be done to avoid his miniature visage? Since 1901, the firm of Bainbridge, Beskin, and Toff has offered protection from the tiny horse at a reasonable price. You see, the wise among us respect the tiny horse’s awesome power but are able to live in peace, knowing that he can be tricked. No other insurance company or tiny horse hunter offers such full, reliable coverage. No other firm has so successfully and consistently deceived the itty-bitty beast. No one else can promise that you and your family will never be subject to the creature’s fatal neigh.

We understand the tiny horse. We know what he really wants, which is lint-sized piles of hay and microscopic apples. We know how to trap him: inside lifelike but very, very small barns. As magnificent and terrible a being as he is, he too is subject to basic desires of food and shelter.

Not to mention, of course, sex. Though the tiny horse is, as far as we can ascertain, a transdimensional spirit creature capable of potentially infinite self-replication and with godlike power over life and death, he also likes lady horses. Yet most mares are far too large to even notice the tiny horse. Thus, over the past century, Bainbridge, Beskin, and Toff has bred the world’s smallest horse: the Bainkintoff. Adult female Bainkintoffs reach a maximum size of, roughly, a ripe plum. This is still significantly larger than the approximately pecan-sized tiny horse, but, in heat, a Bainkintoff mare will take the tiny horse as a mate and, in some cases, as something resembling a love match.

Unfortunately for him, the tiny horse inevitably murders his lover.

Through these methods—tiny piles of hay, tiny barns, and nearly-tiny female horses that break his little heart—we control the tiny horse and keep his countenance from ever scouring the soul from your skull, or the skulls of your family. Throughout the years, some have inquired, “How do you make sure you corral every single instance of the tiny horse’s multiple manifestations?” And throughout the years, we have been, admittedly, cleverly evasive on the matter, citing statistics and methods and pretending that we had answered the question fully.

Our apologies. As recompense, we offer you this, the true reason for our success: our great-grandfathers were the ones who accidentally summoned the tiny horse into this universe. The Bainbridge, Beskin, and Toff families were thereby obligated, by ancient laws created long before the existence of man, to protect humanity from the tiny horse for the next one thousand years.

So put your trust in Bainbridge, Beskin, and Toff. We’ll be here for the next 889 years, making sure you never hear the almost inaudible clicking sound of the tiny horse as he trots gracefully, lethally into your line of sight.

Look, I’m not saying you have to think my book is “thoughtful” and “often...

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 12:46:29 -0500

Look, I’m not saying you *have* to think my book is “thoughtful” and “often witty” or that it features many “well-drawn” relationships. I’m just saying that’s what the professional book reviewers at Publisher’s Weekly think.

In an effort to further promote Everything You Need to Survive the Apocalypse, my debut young adult...

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 09:50:56 -0500

In an effort to further promote Everything You Need to Survive the Apocalypse, my debut young adult novel, I will be self-publishing a few YA novellas throughout the year. This particular novella, which I wrote a couple of years back, was originally an adult thriller set amid the high-stakes chaos of the 2008 financial crisis. After sending it to several hundred agents and getting no takers, I realized why: this book would work *way* better with teen characters. So, a few weekends ago, I finally sat down with it and thoroughly revised it. Now, finally, it is what is was supposed to be all along: a self-published YA novella.

Please enjoy this EXCLUSIVE free excerpt of The Short of It: A Financial Thriller (About and For Teenagers). Hope it whets your appetite for the full version, which is available for just $3.99 on lookitsabook.com!

Chapter 1

Brianna Kingley was going to smoke a cigar in her office, damnit. Even if it was her last official act as Vice President of Operations at Sauter Brothers Holdings, Inc., she was going to rip this stogie until it burned her totally teenage lungs. As the first adolescent female vice president of a major financial services firm, she was entitled to it, no matter what Nanny Bloomberg and his liberal pantywaist pals on the New York City Council said.

As she struck a match and lifted it to the cigar’s tightly rolled tip, she looked in the mirror. Even now at 17, she still had her looks. Teenage looks. Bright blond hair that was styled how all the wealthiest teenage girls styled it, with some sort of flip probably. A slim face that was not the face of a middle-aged man at all but the face of a pretty—some even described it in textual messages as “hawt”—teenage girl who, when she wasn’t going to high school and in love with Justin Bleeber like a normal Millennial, was running one of the nation’s foremost financial services companies.

Or what was one of the nation’s foremost financial services companies until about 10:31 that morning—the moment their short-sell bluff had been called by the Fed. More specifically, it had been called by Mason Kilgore, the teenage vice president of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, who, when he wasn’t playing high school sports like soccer and Wii bowling, was the toughest teen in the whole banking regulation apparatus, which had way more teens in it than most people might assume.

Now her whole company—and maybe the whole country—was going under. And who was to blame? The girl, who was not an adult man named Brian, watching herself suck in a mouthful of smoke. And that cute, cute bastard, Mason. If only they could work it out over a couple of Mountain Dews.

And if only she had his private cell phone number, for his cell phone that he’d owned since he was thirteen because that’s how it is these days…

“Hey, teenager,” Mason said when she called, in a voice that would not be described as gravelly, like that of the older man who had previously been the Fed Vice Pres and then died suddenly. From a being-old attack.

“Hey, teenager, yourself.”

“Been a long time since we’ve done that thing we teenagers do instead of play golf. Be friends with benefits, I mean.”

“If you’ll remember, Mason, last time we were friends with benefits you embarrassed me pretty bad out there on the friendship with benefits place. Which I guess would be your parents’ basement.”

“Oh, I remember.”

They shared a hearty adolescent laugh at that.

“Listen,” Mason said, cutting to the teenage chase. “I know you’re in it, Bri. Knee-deep and rising. What do you say we meet at the teenage bar, where they only serve Mountain Dew and chicken fingers, and talk about how to save the world.”

Brianna let him hang on the line, savoring the little power she’d have left if this whole cray-cray scheme fell through. “I thought you’d never ask.”

As a rule, Brianna Kingley never smiled. But she was alive again, if only for the time it took for her to legally drive her car to the teenage bar and hear Mason, that cutie son of a bitch who looked a little like Justin Bleeber, say he’d only been yanking her teenage chain, one last time.

So she smiled.

No one could see her braces because they were invisible.

Lucas Klauss

Been digging this chopped-up remix of an early U2 song,...

Things I have been up to lately: Chilling the eff out. At the end of April, I finally finished the...

To: Romney 2012 LGBT National Outreach Team From: Jeff Naybor, Romney 2012 LGBT Outreach...

Give My Book Away by the Red Hot Chili Lucas Klausses

I hope soon to return to writing silly jokes here. In the meantime, I can tell you that the humor...

Valiantly plunging into the murky morass of the first...

Just a reminder, y’all: The NYC Teen Author Festival is going on right now! All this week!...

What inspires you? Are there certain places you look for inspiration, or is it always random?

The rewards of authorship are sometimes unexpected. Case in point, this magnificent artwork...

Thanks for the questions, y’all. I had fun answering them! So much fun, in fact, that...

If you could co-write a book with anyone, who would it be?

Is it true that you have a third nipple?

It's Kevin. Who were your characters based on? I could picture several kids in my grade, several coaches, and several kids in your grade throughout this adventure. Do tell.

Do you have a question for me?

Lucas, I want you to be one of the first to know about an exciting development in my 2012...

This year’s NYC Teen Author Festival (March 26 - April 1) should be awesome. It appeals to a...

You may spot him one morning on your bedroom windowsill. He might appear on your desktop at work....

Look, I’m not saying you *have* to think my book is “thoughtful” and “often...

In an effort to further promote Everything You Need to Survive the Apocalypse, my debut young adult...

Look, I’m not saying you have to think my book is “thoughtful” and “often...