Posted 10 months ago
If I Were King of the World
Well, first off, no more of this “Your Highness” stuff. Just call me Nitro.
Second, the crown is spectacular. I’m serious, it’s great. But also pretty uncomfortable? I mean, there’s no padding or anything. It’s just a bunch of gold sitting on my head. All day. Maybe I can swap it out for a nice hat? Or only wear the crown on certain days? Like, Tuesdays? I don’t know, what do you guys think? I don’t want to be bossy. I mean, I realize, I’m king, so that’s my job sort of, but … it just makes me kind of uncomfortable.
Anyway. Third. Ummmm. Well. I kinda like the robes, so that’s fine. The feasts have all been excellent. And I’m liking the castle experience more than I thought.
So I should probably do something for all the poor people next, right? Make an edict or something. “No more poor people”? Oh, but that sounds like an extermination program. I just want to give all of them food and shelter and health care and maybe a pet of their choice. Within reason, of course. No sharks or walruses. Walri. Whatever. Can we make that happen? Yes? Really? Oh, that’s great. I just solved like one of the biggest problems of all time.
I mean, we did. I don’t want to take full credit. Add Neil and Andrew’s names to the edict as consultants. That okay with you guys? Great. Great great great.
So let’s do something else big. How about … well, actually, can I change the Nitro thing first? I thought it would be fun to be called something like that instead of “your highness” but it actually just feels weird. What about “Mr. King”? No, that’s stupid.
Actually, on second thought, why am I “king”? Shouldn’t I be “emperor”? Emperor of the World, Lucas Klauss? Sounds more appropriate, I think, for a guy who controls the entire planet.
And the moon? Do I technically control the moon too? Oh, awesome.
So. Okay. I’m emperor now. That’s the next thing. And call me Most Wondrous Emperor of the World in official communiques and such. But just call me Lucas in here, alright? Or I’ll have all of you beheaded.
Geez, just kidding, guys, what’s the … oh, the last guy actually did that? I guess I never heard. Well, sure, I guess he wouldn’t let that info get out. Yeah, yeah. Well, so sorry, everyone. Didn’t mean to bring up bad memories.
Alright so just to make up for it, umm … you all get a raise. Double what you make now, alright? And two pets of your choosing, ANY species you want. Cool?
Cool. Cool cool cool.
But it’s not, is it? I shouldn’t be able to just make callous jokes and try to make up for it with money and pet narwhals. Narwhals should be free. You should be free. Everybody should be free. This whole world monarchy thing was a huge mistake.
No, no, no, Neil, don’t stop me now. This is it. This is my next big thing. We’re bringing democracy back. Got it, guys? Elections, legislatures, presidents or prime ministers or whatever we want to call it. Maybe something totally new, like Mega-Prez or Ultimate Thing or The Top. Oh, this’ll be fun, coming up with this stuff. Let’s use the old U.S. Constitution as a starting point, though. There were a lot of good ideas in there. But not the slavery thing. No slavery in our new earth democracy, okay? I want to make that clear from the beginning, that I believed that.
This is going to be great, guys. Returning the power to the people. What’s that? They’ll ruin it?
I guess I see what you’re saying. Most people are dumb. They don’t even know where the World Castle is, let alone how to run the world. But still…
Okay, how about this. A compromise. We’ll start the new earth democracy right after I fix a lot more things, okay? I mean, we. Just to give everybody a great start. We’ll fix the rainforest and cancer and people being mean. Global warming too—definitely need to fix that first. And loud motorcycles. Ugh, those are awful.
So we’ll fix all that stuff and more. And then I’ll use my last edict to start the new earth constitution and I’ll step down. Probably won’t run for The Top. Unless the candidates aren’t that great…
Oh, my hat. Thanks.
Notes