Here at Seventh Generation, America’s leading brand of sustainably manufactured products, our philosophy can be summed up in this famous Iroquois maxim: “In our every deliberation, we must consider the impact of our decisions on the next seven generations.” These wise Native Americans were speaking, of course, about their seventh generation, not about the seventh generations of their enemies, such as the Algonquins or the French.
If we truly wish to ensure the welfare of our descendants, what better way than to protect their homeland and destroy their foes? And in a way that’s environmentally friendly!
In that spirit, we’d like to introduce our new line of high-tech organic weaponry: GreenStrike. Unlike our popular household products, including dish soap, toilet tissue, and laundry detergent, our GreenStrike products are available for purchase only to the United States government and its allies. But we’d like to share what details we can with our valued civilian customers, so here’s a glimpse at the future of sustainable warfare!
GreenStrike Munitions
Where our soldiers have trod, shell casings and other projectile debris often litter the ground, remaining years, even decades, after their deserving targets have decomposed. But what if our artillery shells were as green as our uniforms? Now they are, with a large, expanding variety of GreenStrike munitions casings made from corn! Believe it or not, these plastic casings are made by a similar but more intensive process to the one used to make “greenware.” So fire at will, soldiers, because there’s plenty more where those semi-automatic rounds came from. Truly a-maize-ing!
GreenStrike Airpower
The sun can’t be said to belong to any one country yet, but if it did, it would belong to America, wouldn’t it? You bet. And now, with GreenStrike airpower, it practically does! GreenStrike fighter jets, bombers, helicopters, and drones don’t rely on fossil fuels to soar for mere hours at a time, they harness the power of the sun to stay aloft for days and weeks on end, raining eco-friendly hellfire on terrorists and their comrades. Whatever sunny country we end up in next, our armed forces can count on GreenStrike to help them promote freedom and the virtues of biodegradable glass and surface cleaners.
GreenStrike Nuclear
Though we fervently hope our leaders never have to resort to the use of nuclear weapons to resolve a conflict, we also hope that, if they do, the resulting landscape can be put to good use if we need to conquer it. Introducing the GreenStrike E-Bomb (Environmental Bomb)! This nuclear weapon uses only locally sourced uranium and contains blast-resistant seed pods that spread upon detonation and grow into plants that absorb and store radioactivity at tremendous rates. These plants are, technically, GMO, but, upon conquering, will be replaced by radioactivity-friendly ecosystems specially designed by our defense biologists. To paraphrase Robert Oppenheimer, now we are become GreenStrike, pollenator of worlds!
GreenStrike Space
Any truly forward-thinking household-product-and-weapon-technology brand must look to outer space. After all, the Chinese certainly are. And if we want our children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children to control the solar system, we have to focus on controlling the stratosphere at least, and probably also the moon. We are unable to divulge the specifics of these ongoing programs, but suffice to say they are free of phosphates and composed of 55% post-consumer laser beams.
GreenStrike for Humanity
As the Iroquois no doubt knew before they were mostly wiped out by European settlers, humans have always and will always try to destroy each other. From today on, let us join together not only as Americans, but as an inherently bellicose species, to shed the blood of our enemies in an environmentally conscious way. In this way, our descendants won’t have to waste time cleaning up after us that could be better spent killing someone from another country.
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