Dear Participant,
Some people raise money to fight cancer. Some raise money to fight HIV. Some raise money to fight poverty or global warming or spousal abuse or whatever atrocity is trendy that week.
But you are different. You refuse to choose between dolphin massacres and worldwide hunger. You won’t spit on Alzheimer’s research by setting a personal goal of raising $500 for microlending. You dare not rest until you as an individual and we as a species have solved not one thing but everything.
And you want to have fun doing it too!
Which is why we’re so excited to have you on board for this year’s Rachel C. Barton Memorial Everything! If you’re new to the Everything, you’ll be joining a rapidly growing movement of dedicated people who won’t settle for the lazy, narrow-minded efforts of traditional charities like the American Kidney Foundation. (As Rachel herself once said, “What about the lungs, heart, and gall bladder, AKF? What are they, dysfunctional liver?”)
And at our event, you won’t be hoofing it around a dingy high school track, thinking to yourself, “At least I’m doing something.” You’ll be competing in copious activities, raising money to quash all the world’s evils, thinking, “I’m doing EVERYTHING!”
If you’ve participated before, you may have noticed a name change. We are no longer the Rachel C. Barton Memorial 5K Bake-Off Competitive Eating Marathon Cycling Challenge Beauty Pageant Quilting Bee Yacht Race Magic: The Gathering Tournament Speed Chess Battle 3-on-3 Improv Comedy Showdown Jams and Jellies Contest Egg-and-Spoon Race Strongman/woman Face-Off Burlesque Throwdown Gathering of the Juggalos 10K.
It just didn’t fit on the complimentary lifting belts anymore! But don’t worry, we’re still all those things AND MORE, including a Synchronized Snake Charming Shindig and a Step Team Hootnanny. We’re not calling it the Rachel C. Barton Memorial Everything for nothing!
We’re calling it the Rachel C. Barton Memorial Everything because three years after her death, Rachel is still inspiring us. She gained renown for denouncing the Make a Wish Foundation’s practice of not funding adult literacy programs and as a former Greenpeace member who criticized the organization for focusing on environmental issues. But what many don’t realize is that she was so much more than that—a loving wife, a mother of two, a horse owner of five, a Six Sigma-certified office supply store manager, a registered CPA, a real estate agent, a dinner theater actress, a hotelier, and a substitute French teacher with an interest in stand-up comedy, all of these in addition to her numerous charitable roles including amateur HIV researcher and founder of Apartheid Better Not Come Back.
Tragically, Rachel’s life was cut short by a massive panic attack before she solved all the world’s problems and kept all its old problems from returning. But we—and you—are still here to complete her legacy!
So here’s what you should do in preparation for the Everything on August 13, 2011: EVERYTHING. In the spirit of Rachel, we don’t just do everything on the Everything, we do everything every day! So start running, practicing your chess game, buying starter packs of Magic: The Gathering, and become a Juggalo, because you’ll need to in order to be ready to do everything with everyone!
Most importantly, though, start raising money! Your goal? Infinity! Get all the money you can to solve all the problems there are. How are we supposed to end bad things if you only get a measly grand or two? That’s Relay for Life bullsh*t.
In conclusion, welcome to the team and enjoy the free Folgers Instant pack included in this envelope. If you don’t snort coffee already, you’re going to need to.
Solve everythingly,
Jakob Horft, President of the Rachel C. Barton Memorial Foundation and of Denmark and a Level 99 Wizard on World of Warcraft and a doctor
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