They say parenting is the hardest job in the world. But do you find yourself thinking, “Well, it isn’t that hard”?
Then welcome to Nature Versus Nurture, an exclusive fertility clinic.
NVN clients are among the country’s parental elite. Did your baby suckle with ease? Did your child start to read at an age so low that other parents have to visibly control their anger when you tell them? Is your darling, at age five, seemingly set on a path of lifelong achievement and exceptionalism, all thanks to you (and possibly your co-parent)?
Now do you want a real challenge?
While other fertility clinics prioritize sperm and egg donors who are healthy, successful, and well-rounded, NVN actively seeks donors among the dregs of humanity. Combine one of our donors’ sperm with your eggs, or vice versa, and you’ll be in for quite a challenge. Combine an NVN egg with NVN sperm, and you’ll have the ultimate test of your parental capabilities!
Check out some of our awful, awful donors:
- Male Donor 155-EK: This donor is a total asshole. Born into wealth and a good family, he squandered the first and tried to kill the second, all before the age of thirteen. In fact, the 1993 movie The Good Son was closely based on his childhood. Ever since his release from juvenile prison, he seems to be making an attempt at a Guinness World Record for shiftlessness. He has not held a full-time job even once in his adult life, despite the fact that he is now 38 years old. A mediocre scam artist, Donor 155-EK preys upon the stupidest and most gullible people in order to provide food and shelter for himself. He has slept on a couch, a floor, or the pavement every night for the past seven years, a fact he repeatedly mentions when whining, which he does instead of talking. He is awful.
- Female Donor 337-LO: This donor is an unbelievable shit-for-brains. Raised well in a family that taught humility, charity, and goodwill, Donor 337-LO went on to found Ugly Hate Machine, a racist, anti-Semitic, misogynist, homophobic, anti-handicapped, child-kicking, occasionally arsonist “misanthrophy organization.” She spits on dogs, leaves a penny tip, and coined the intensely annoying middle-finger-gesture-and-phrase combo, “Sit and spin.” She is awful.
- Male Donor 771-JM: This donor is Kim Jong-il, dictator of North Korea. Essentially a slaveowner of millions, Kim Jong-il is easily one of the worst humans in the world. Plus he looks like a baby wearing sunglasses. Awful.
- Male Donor 823-LL: This donor is Tucker Max, author of I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell.
With the genetic material of one or more of these monsters in your new child, you’ll have to prove, day in and day out, that you’re one of the top parents in the world. Otherwise: oops, you started a new Holocaust. (We are working on obtaining Hitler’s sperm.)
So are you ready? Or are you one of those other parents—the kind you see in the park, chasing after their bratty idiot offspring, who make you think, “I could fix that”?
Well now’s your chance to nurture harder than you’re ever nurtured before.
Who will win? You? Or genes?
The fate of the world is in your uterus.
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