Welcome to Atlantis!
Now that you’re finally here, take a moment to read about all the wonders that Atlantis resort has in store for you. No matter how you choose to spend your time, you and your family are about to have an unforgettable experience—days full of carefree fun spent amid the ruins of a once-mighty, now-enslaved merfolk empire!
A Very Short History (Don’t worry, there won’t be a quiz!)
In 2002, when Klezner International Resorts was searching for a location for our newest vacation destination, we were astonished not only to stumble upon the remains of ancient Atlantis but also to find several hundred Atlanteans still living there!
Our crews approached the Atlanteans in peace, but the amphibious savages launched an attack. However, armed only with bows and arrows and some kind of seaweed-goo cannon, the natives were easily overcome. Laughably so, in fact. Today, Atlantis resort stands proudly atop the fallen capital of these devolved subhumans. Enjoy!
The Water Park of Your Dreams
Atlantis resort’s thrilling water park is fun for all ages and built upon the site of evil King Krai-Ehl’s monstrous pleasure palace! Take the Plunge as it zooms you right through the scorched remains of his obscene library! Or relax as you drift on Victory Canal past the smashed bits of his bizarre art and useless inventions. And don’t forget to spit on his descendants before you leave! (Hint: They’re locked in the stocks overlooking the former field, now the Wave Pool, where King Krai-Ehl died!)
The Beautiful Dolphin Cay
Another one of our most exciting attractions is Dolphin Cay. Here guests may swim with the ecstatic pods of dolphins who were once forced to bear hideous merfolk riders on their backs as their masters pillaged the ocean floor. (Note: Inform us immediately if your merservant contradicts this story.) Now human families may help care for these grateful, free creatures by encouraging them to perform the tricks the merfolk wouldn’t let them, all while they live inside tanks that are much cozier than the cold waters of the Atlantic.
The Thrilling Merfolk Chariot
Adventurous families may want to ride the Merfolk Chariot, a high-speed watercraft pulled by a team of twelve hideous merfolk, all of whom are guilty of war crimes. These beasts may not have the creative, intelligent minds of their ancient forebears, but they sure can swim! (Snacks are available on board.)
Only the Best Entertainment
Atlantis is the exclusive home of the award-winning, merfolk-torture-and-murder variety show Atlantis Tonight! Hosted by Carson Daly, Atlantis Tonight! is a one-of-a-kind spectacle incorporating comedy, music, dance, and the on-stage mutilation of an abhorrent, deserving merman or merwoman. Every show ends with a beheading! Past guests have included the Barenaked Ladies, Jim Breuer (Saturday Night Live), and singing sensation/anti-merfolkist Josh Groban.
Quashing Rebellions
Despite what you may have heard, uprisings are rare. But make sure to carry your Electro-Trident on you at all times, just in case!
Unique Dining
Ever eaten a merfolk steak? YUM!
And So Much More!
Conceived in horror and rebuilt with fun and wrath, Atlantis is a place to celebrate life, family, and human domination of all other animals. And please don’t believe those party poopers at the U.N. who say that merfolk qualify as sentient beings and therefore deserve equal rights as humans. We don’t recognize their authority and neither should you. In fact, have a Bloody Krai-Ehl and forget we mentioned it!
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