Facts about Apocalyptials
Born between the year 2000 and the current year, Apocalyptials are the generation succeeding Millennials. They are so named because they will be the first generation to come of age during an apocalypse. However, as this report concludes, Apocalyptials are alarmingly unprepared for the approaching global cataclysm after which they are named. In fact, they are somehow even less prepared than Millennials, who have practically no skills other than rapid sexting and talking about themselves literally non-stop. — The Institute for Generational Studies, Report on Apocalyptials with Additional Snide Commentary on Millennials, 2011
From the report, some worrying facts:
- One hundred percent of Apocalyptials are children, who have no record of being able to govern themselves other than the television show Kid Nation, which was sweet but come on.
- When asked how they would respond in event of a nuclear catastrophe, seven out of ten Apocalyptials shrugged cutely. The other three out of ten started telling a story that made no sense.
- Zero Apocalyptials are considered experts in the fields of agriculture, engineering, and medicine, which will be essential areas of knowledge in a post-apocalyptic society. Popular areas in which Apocalyptials surveyed consider themselves to be experts include “Markers,” “Spaghetti and Meatballs,” “Running Faster Than Lightning,” “Choo-Choo Train,” and ”Aminals [sic],” only the last of which is generously sort of considered essential for post-apocalyptic life and even then not really.
- When Apocalyptials were shown a short film on how a global pandemic might affect people and society, nine in ten peed and/or shat their pants.
- A small percentage of Apocalyptials, all of them Cub Scouts, were able to build and maintain a fire. However, these asthmatic and overly trusting children would be among the first to perish in an apocalypse.
- In the event of a worldwide disaster, Apocalyptials would have to preserve and pass on our knowledge of history, which, computer models suggest, will result in a future wherein people worship our creators, the Wiggles.
- With little, inaccurate, or no knowledge of human reproduction, Apocalyptials will, at the very least, endure humiliating learning experiences, and, at worst, simply fail to repopulate the earth.
- And, after strenuous and thorough testing, infant Apocalyptials were demonstrated to be entirely worthless.
- In one final note of optimism, however, the Institute recognizes that, according to some theological persuasions, all Apocalyptials would be Raptured in the event of a biblical apocalypse. Millennials, meanwhile, will all burn in hell. We at the Institute pray for such an outcome.
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