For decades, Americans have been investing in the future through mutual funds. Hard-working people just like you have contributed to their 401(k)s and IRAs, envisioning a comfortable retirement, perhaps even a life of travel and leisure.
All of these people will be mercilessly obliterated in the coming worldwide cataclysm.
But you don’t have to suffer the same fate. (Unless it is written.) If you want to have a chance at surviving in a post-apocalyptic landscape where the amount of money you’ve socked away in your Roth account means nothing because banks don’t exist anymore and neither does hope, join us at Armageddon Investments.
Armageddon Investments acknowledges what other investment companies won’t — that human civilization is doomed. Why would you hand over thousands of dollars of your hard-earned money to firms like Charles Schwab and Vanguard, which don’t even provide their customers with personal gun caves?
And since the lesson we learned from Y2K, Armageddon Investments has claimed no certainty over how the world will end, just that it will. Now, with a variety of smart investment options, Armageddon Investments lets clients customize their Apocalypse. Nuclear catastrophe? Global pandemic? Robot uprising? All of the above?
You decide, we prepare, everyone dies. Except you and us and our other clients.
Here’s how it works:
- Target Apocalypse: When do you think the shit’s going down? 2020? 2030? 2012? Our investment management team can help you prepare a portfolio that ramps up to a specific date, maximizing profits and getting out while the getting’s possible.
- Apocalypse-Triggered Cash-Outs: When the Apocalypse begins, blood won’t be the only thing raining down on you. Your gold-backed funds will be available for immediate transfer and hoarding.
- Customizable Caches: Select from a large variety of apocalypses or have a discussion with one of our Armageddon Experts to create an end times package ideal for you and yours. Dividends, along with a percentage of your gains, go toward filling your custom cache with what’s most appropriate, whether it’s hazmat suits, EMP grenades, boats, machetes (for killing zombies), or a giant cross to convince God you should have been Raptured.
- Gun Caves: Whatever happens, you’ll need a gun cave.
- Shorting the World: It’s one thing to prepare for the collapse of global society, it’s another thing to actively profit from it. And that’s what Armageddon Investments many “short-selling” funds allow you to do! What’s going down first — the airlines? consumer goods manufacturers? all those f*#king cupcake bakeries? Anti-invest wisely, and you could take home the spoils of the ruins of America!
- Webinars You’ll Remember for the Rest of Your Life: Learn how to make a fire, scavenge for edible berries, or defeat a rival tribe! Our vast online library of survival skill webinars is invaluable. Take advantage of it now, before the internet becomes a story you tell to your grimy hunter-gatherer grandchildren.
If all that’s not enough to convince you become an Armageddon Investor, well, that’s fine. Really. No skin off our tails. We’ll be safe and sound in our tunnel networks, forming powerful alliances and repopulating the planet while you shiver and shrivel under the nightmare-black sky and…
Oh, you’re reconsidering? Fantastic. Give us a call while you still can.
Armageddon Investments: Investing today for a horrifying tomorrow.
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