Facts about Millennials
According to most definitions, “Millennials” is the generally accepted term for the 80-million strong generation that was born between 1982-2000. They are also known as “Generation Y,” “The Me Generation,” and “The Least Great Generation,” because no one can be great while also wearing a hoodie. In this report, we find that Millennials are generally ill-equipped for adult life, college life, or even basic human life. Therefore we humbly suggest that their parents’ generation be renamed “The Worst Generation.” — The Institute for Generational Studies, Report on Millennials, 2011
From the report, some additional facts about Millennials:
- 27 percent of Millennials still breastfeed.
- One in six Millennials takes a bubble bath twice a day.
- A majority of Millennials receive the entirety of their news from their imagination.
- Millennials in the workplace typically require an Office Mom to prepare lunches, provide back rubs and ibuprofen, and insist that Millennial employees are overworked and undercompensated, no matter that they are interns.
- If all Millennials were to acquire their desired occupation as adults, a quarter of the nation’s workforce would be ninjas.
- More Millennials identify as Democrats than identify as Republicans, but the vast majority can only name “gay marriage” as a specific reason before launching into an ill-informed monologue on any number of unrelated, vaguely political topics.
- 34 percent of Millennials do not know how to properly wipe themselves.
- 7 out of 10 Millennials believe that “magic is real if you believe hard enough,” a notion so lacking in common sense it made 9 out of 10 elderly Americans measurably angrier.
- When calling their parents, as they do at least a dozen times each day, at least half of all Millennials use a special “baby language” they invented with their parents and no one else knows how to speak. There is no specific term for this, as each Millennial has his or her own infantile word for it, but examples include, “bwabee,” “tooch-tooch,” and “e-mamay e-ma[untranscribable].”
- Most Millennials’ childhood cultural touchstones are Pokemon and sexting, which, researchers agree, is completely sad.
- 9 in 10 Millennials agrees with the statement, “We are the future,” despite the fact that the ascendance of their generation will likely prompt the Apocalypse, thus ending time as it is commonly defined.
- Additionally, all Millennials have dated an Asian at some point.
(Note: The author of this post is, technically, a Millennial. Born in 1982, he is 73 years old.)
Notes