My eight tips for aspiring writers

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This month I finally achieved my long-held dream of becoming a published author. And I have to say, it’s been pretty sweet so far. Seeing my book in stores, hearing from fans, setting out on a national tour that took me everywhere from Brooklyn to Atlanta to Brooklyn—these experiences are the incredible realization of what, for years and years, seemed a far-fetched ambition. I truly am grateful for them.

One thing, though, has been worrying me: aspiring writers. Actually, that’s many things. Thousands and thousands of things, with gnawed fingernails and fashionable glasses, aspiring away, the incessant clickity-clacking of their keyboards waking me, sweat-drenched and shouting, from sleep. For what is now new and debut-y is soon old and sophomorically slumping. I worked years for this, damnit, and now these yearning little punks are going to supercede me with their fresh talents and fancy 2014 release dates? Hell, no!

Ahem. I realize I’m being irrational. Authors are not—should not be—in competition with one another. (Even though some of us were here first.) So, in an effort to demonstrate my grace to all the aspiring writers out there and in my nightmares, I’ve put together some writing tips that every one of you should observe VERY closely. Otherwise, you will never be successful.

1. Tell, don’t show. Revealing dialogue, striking details, subtle expressions of character—all of these things are stupid wastes of time. Get to the point! Immediately explain to your reader why your protagonist is intriguing, preferably using adjectives like “intriguing,” “super attractive,” and “very mutated” to describe him or her. Save space by comparing your characters to other, more popular characters, such as Jesus Christ and Satan; then use that extra space for all those long expository paragraphs every good yarn requires. And remember: if we haven’t found out within the first page what your protagonist does for a living, what childhood trauma she suffered, and how she got her mutant powers, consider your story terrible and throw it away forever.

2. Write to the market. Vampires, dystopia, zombies … what’s next? I know what it is but I’m not telling. And you better find out quick because 1. I am already writing my next book and 2. your book is only worthwhile insofar as it creates a trend or trendlet. (Okay, I’ll give you a hint: cars who are sexy aliens.)

3. Don’t write very often. Writing isn’t something you can get better at. Like a third nipple, a talent for writing is something you’re just born with, and I am lucky enough to have both. Plus, it’s hard, you know? (The writing.) Why spend hours every day doing something hard if it’s more like a supernumerary nipple than a pottery class? I came up with that evocative simile in no time at all!

4. Don’t read very much. Professional writers publish books only to distract and discourage you. They are devious, scheming creatures who will do anything to hold onto or improve their tenuous position in the publishing marketplace. Trust me, don’t listen to their siren songs!

5. Always have easy, immediate access to the Internet while you write. How else are you supposed to get inspired?

6. Never revise. Every good writer gets it exactly right on the first tryy.

That double-y? Intentional and avant garde.

7. Rejection happens to everyone (who is a bad writer). I’ve never had a piece of writing rejected from anywhere. Neither did Shakespeare nor any other writer you’ve ever heard of. Because once you get that first rejection, you’re not allowed to write anymore. That’s just how it works and INTERPOL strictly enforces it. Sorry! So keep writing until somebody tells you that your piece isn’t a good fit for their publication, then quit for the rest of your life. (Or risk arrest and a trial at the Hague).

8. Always give up. This is probably the single best piece of advice I could give you, you aspiring little twerp.

And there you have them: the eight guidelines every aspiring twerp of a writer must follow if he or she wishes to have any success at all. Now, you won’t find these tips in most magazines or books on writing. That’s because, as I said, all other writers want you to fail, especially Stephen King. I alone among authors am rooting for you, so follow my advice and occasionally reach for the stars!

But don’t throw your back out.